Recently, there was a post on a site stating that workplace bullying isn’t really an issue, and that targets should just leave. I made the following response to the post:
“It is good to see discussion on the topic of legislation for workplace bullying. In my opinion, it is a short-sighted approach to say just leave. In fact, after much turmoil, targets do end up by leaving 80% of the time. Yes, they often stay too long. But to say they should just leave is like saying to someone in a wheelchair, just stand up. Most people would agree that leaving is best for them; but what about the people who still work there? Similar to reporting a priest who abused a child, or a teacher who did the same – would you leave them in power to do the same to others? Just leave has many challenges attached for everyone.
The only thing I can think of for this post in their suggestion of ‘just leave’ and ‘we do not need any laws’ is perhaps the unawareness of some (many) workplace bullying situations that mirror severity as brutal as rape and severe abuse. People who are not aware of what is really happening out there. They are responding to the ‘working with difficult people’ side of the continuum as opposed to the brutal side of workplace bullying.
After considerable research in this field and writing Bully Free At Work, a step-by-step guide to handling workplace bullying, I have come to realize that addressing workplace bullying is everyone’s responsibility: from discerning when people are trying to bend rules in their favor to avoid responsibility, to legitimate claims of harmful bullying situations where the employee is compromised, abused, and not only suffers in the moment, but often carries it for years.
For the record, there are many ‘grown-ups’ i.e. capable, competent people, who are blind-sided by workplace bullying, and do not have the immediate means to leave right away. I would ask Why should they have to back down, often losing a well deserved pension plan, seniority, their community, etc.?
Becoming fully aware of workplace bullying is key. Stopping workplace bullying is everyone’s responsibility, even if it is not you that is being bullied.
This was my response to the post. I would be interested in hearing your reply as well.
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Valerie Cade, CSP is a Workplace Bullying Expert, Speaker and Author of "Bully Free at Work: What You Can Do To Stop Workplace Bullying Now!" which has been distributed in over 100 countries worldwide. For presentations and consulting on workplace bullying prevention and respectful workplace implementation, go to http://www.BullyFreeAtWork.com
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Reading these comments has really helped me at a very testing time, so Im posting my own in the hope that it may help someone else.
I ‘had to leave’ my dream job that I worked so hard to get before I was set up for dismissal, following over a year of bullying from my boss and his lackey – I should have known better – my boss openly used to laugh about how he could easily get into other peoples heads and really mess them up so they doubted themselves and could be destroyed.
I was young and naive, believing he was trying to help me into promotion like he told me – when really he was finding out about me bein bullied at school so he could find my weaknesses and take me out of the equation. He d been told he had to make staff cuts and needed an easy target. Me. The young naive one – he saw me coming.
I later discovered my predecessor had suffered the exact same fate as me and had been set up over a period of 2 years by this same boss in exactly the same way, so they could fit him up for a disciplinary which would result in his dismissal, so he had to resign, all cos this boss didnt like him.
Over a hell-sent year, I had my work taken off me, my appearance ridiculed, i was labelled ‘weak’ ‘flaky’ and ‘not management material’ as i had the ‘wrong look’ which apparently ‘jarred’ with senior management who he told me laughed at my appearance and my personality – he said i was a ‘complete joke’ to them all. To help me ‘improve’, i was then set up with a ‘mentor’ – his close personal friend – who repeated his exact comments (and strangely panicked when i told her my boss had said exactly the same thing!)Still, even after the changes, I wasnt good enough.
After I advised colleagues who consulted me as part of my job, my colleague (the lackey) would call them back or visit their office and say i was talking rubbish and not to listen as i didnt know what i was talking about – i was just a ‘plastic’ graduate officer not a proper one like him and the others. all i wanted was to do the job i loved that i had excelled in for years, winning awards and professional academic recognition – but instead i started to feel like i was fighting a constant (losing) battle. i was exhausted.
The lackey slated me to my colleagues behind my back and even when i was in the room (til one day – my last day in the office as it happened – i snapped and he literally ran scared! threatening to ‘tell the boss on me’) He had been constantly saying i was lazy cos i did nothing. It was true – i did nothing for a few weeks – because they cleverly took ALL my work off me!!! He spied on my email and reported to the boss about my dilapidating personal life, which the boss would then quiz me on using the pretext of trying to help me (naively i believed him and fell into the trap of talking to him).
I lived alone, and belived i should be able to handle my own mess as an adult – so i told nobody – the main reason for this was shame – believing it was me, i was useless – and i descended into dark despair believing i was throwing away my career and couldnt understand why the harder i tried, the more enthusiasm i showed, the more criticism the boss would give me. They joked that they would soon knock my enthusiasm out of me. They succeeded.
At my lowest point, with my career crumbling and dream relationship in tatters (i had the misfortune of finding out my future husband who i loved to bits who told me he wanted to be with me (the one and only love of his life) forever – was actually a married liar with kids and he loved me so much he just completely deserted me in my time of need. He was a manager in the same organisation and was roped in by my boss – he was told he could either choose himself to suffer – apparently his wife worked with him and would soon be told of his ‘indiscretion’ if he did not co operate – or he could choose to help them set me up by sending me emails that i would surely in my devastated state of mind reply to (personal emails were against policy ie gross misconduct and immediate sackable offence) and he would be spared. I dont need to tell you what the spineless loser unsurprisingly chose to do.)
My boss took the opportunity to help me during my darkest hour of losing everything (not least my mind) my telling me that the reason for my depression was that I must be bipolar – and he asked me did i know that most bipolars commit suicide at an early age. In my vulnerable state Im ashamed to say that I believed him and it almost happened after i started drinking to blot out the pain and confusion, I felt like a waste of space, a failure who had it all and threw it all away. Only i didnt throw it away did i – it was stolen from me and it wasnt fair.
In the present day, its almost a full year since I left. I went to another job but I had to leave within 3 months – i was a nervous wreck and to make it worse they were very cliquey and did thinsg like every single day inviting everyone except for me to lunch, drinks etc – and i just couldnt cope with being ostracised like that after what i d just been through. So i made an excuse and left.
Last night I ended up outside my old workplace,remembering good friends and the happy years i had there before being bullied – staring in at the dark, deserted windows and crying my eyes out – gutted cos i should be going in there monday mornin and doin the job i loved, the job i excelled at (i had won distinctions in awards – part of the bosses problem no doubt, as it took me 30 mins to write what took him weeks and months – he used to say he was bullied at boarding school for having a low iq – my colleague believed that maybe this was his revenge) i should be sat at my desk next to the friends i loved (i also lost all the colleagues i was close to as they were told to stay away from me – or face the same fate – so they wouldnt call me anymore)
So what now? I dont know. Im too scared to get another job in case it all happens again and due to my fragile state I have been told by unemployment people that i am in their opinion incapacitated – ie mentally unfit to work. I was a graduate of law working as a senior government officer for my country with a huge career ahead of me. And now im told im not even fit to sweep the streets I used to run.
All because of a bully. An evil, bitter, jealous and twisted little bully, aided by those who were spineless and selfish enough to help him set me up. The thing is – they all carry on as normal – happy, paid, sorted, married, promoted – whilst ive lost my whole life as i knew it, my job, my own home, my career, my money, my friendships and relationships. And moreover, ive temporarily – and i am determined that it is only temporarily – lost my dignity.
I felt as though i lost everything cos it was all my fault – i wasnt strong enough to deal with them and stand up to them or even recognise i was being bullied. I let them take my life from me. How they must have laughed at my naivety, believing them and promising to do better and to change.
But at the time unless you seen it before or have been trained in it, you dont recognise it – and even if you do stand up to them you re still going anyway – my job ended the minute my boss decided i was leaving. ive seen myself that in many organisations personnel and senior management simply close ranks and fit the target up even if they have to wait – you re out. No comeback.
But now I do know it wasnt my fault – it helps when i read others’ experiences and recognise the same thing. You know I was so nervous that I was too afraid to even open an email after I resigned.
But we were all just in the wrong place at the wrong time. we didnt deserve this and we didnt cause it. we didnt throw our lives away and we couldnt have done anything differently to save ourselves from it at that time – we just had to leave to minimise damage, before we lost the plot and / or were sacked and publicly humiliated.
One day I will move on to better things and I will know the minute I see another clever little bully – I wont ever let someone rob me like that again – you see, its not losing your job and your money that kills you so much as losing your self respect – thats what takes such a very long time to get back again.
As for the bullies – one sweet and fine day they’ll get their comeuppance and they will lose everything they ‘worked for’ (or robbed off others more likely) just like they made sure we did – only they ll deserve it. We didnt. So we will find a better future than we ever could have had with those destructive monsters blighting our lives.
im posting this cos if just one person reads it and finds it even a bit helpful to recognise their situ and see its not their fault, its worth it. Valerie is an inspiration i just hope i can be as strong as her and get my life back again (and then some!). only then will i truly know that i actually did beat those bullies in the end.
No one understands this unless they been through it – suzy you re right people just think you messed your career up so you dont wanna talk to them about it, it doesnt help you at all.
Good luck to all of you – we cant let the b’tards grind us down, cos we will have our day over them – when we hold our heads high and are strong again, we’re saying to them [in the words of Lil Kim], ‘everything those haters do, just to degrade you, only made me stronger –
so thanks for the favour’.
I’d like to finish this (epic!) tale with the words of another brilliant lyricist – Maya Angelou, who had more than her fair share of bullying – this is her response to her mindless and evil bullies.
‘Still I Rise’
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies.
You may trod me in the very dirt.
But, still, like dust, I’ll rise.
You may cut me with your words.
You may shoot me with your eyes.
You may kill me with your hatefulness.
But, still, like air,
I’ll rise.
Remember, they may have torn us down, but still like a phoenix from the ash, we will rise again. There will be a better day – just hold on.
d-q x
Hello, Everything discussed above is so familiar……It makes me feel better to know what happened to me was real, I was not being “sensitive” “thin-skinned” or “a trouble maker”. I was bullied for 4 years. Whenever I discussed with the bully his behavour towards myself and others the response was “why don’t you just leave.” I did leave, but only after it was the right time for me. But in the process I lost everything. For a longtime, I hung in there, even outlasted him, but he was replaced by other bullies, his friends, with their sights set on me. I still think about the way I was treated. It was either too much work, demeaning work, or (in the last 3 mnths) no work at all. Information and knowledge was withheld, to be shared at his fancy. I was belittled, embarrassed and yelled at in public. I ask myself why would I put up with this in my professional life but not my personal life and how do I make sure it never happens to me again. My family and friends do not understand what I endured. To them I had the best career at the best company and I screwed it up. A “personality conflict” is no big deal. As I continue to jobhunt and study, I know, I made the best decision for me……..
Hello…I am a victim of bullying. I am very confused as to what to do. I can longer cope with the way I am being treated by 2 co-workers. I had walked off the job I was so upset. My boss called and asked me to come back so… now, The bullies dislike me even more. They are saying “i can’t believe u didn’t get fired for what u did” Ignoring job duties pertaining to me. Smirking at me. After almost 2 years i don’t have the strength to fight anymore.
I hear all of your pain and have lived it myself for years. Stand up when you can. This is a crime of emotional rape and their should be laws against it. That is one thing we can all do it sign petitions with our state legislature.
Maybe when prison and fines come into the picture, these bullies will change overnight.
Keep up the good fight, talk to yourself and raise yourself up, and pray to god, vengeance is his and he will repay, in jesus mighty name, amen. I pray for allof you right now, in the name of jesus for a full recovery in every aspect of your life. Remember how precious you are to god.
Love to all of you.
Jan 0;-)
Stephanie 2, how in the world did you manage to survive for 17 years? I keep praying that my bully will leave. Behind my back she manages to get boss and coworkers to believe her lies and they all side with her, even one of the newest employees admitting to me she knows who the bully is among us. I’m afraid that in leaving I’d only find myself with another bully and it could be worse!! Is that possible ?
BullyFreeAtWork.com
As a target for 17 years, I’ve said all those things that Stephanie has said, but the reality still stands, the reason the bully gets away with their disgusting behavior is they are cunning, excellent liars and they brown-nose to the right people. In a sense, they are also bullying the top bosses into believing that they are honest and true and that what they are doing is justified by getting rid of another person who they label as inadequate and worthless. I’ve kept my nose to the grindstone working as many as 17-20 hour days attempting to stop the wicked things they do to my students and me. But I’m exhausted after all this and I just can’t fight them anymore. Unfortunately, their day has come, They are celebrating in the streets or may be, more accurately, in the bosses’ office.
Your blog is interesting!
Keep up the good work!
How sad that people, who have earned a position in a company, believe that the only solution is to leave. I understand why people leave, but the only reason I stay in my current position, is mainly because I’m a fighter, and I want to keep my job and see the Bully loose theirs! It’s not fair that a Bully be in the all powerful position to hurt their co-workers with their cruel and childish games, thus resulting in resignation by the “target”. I’ve seen one target leave our company, due to the bully and his right-arm employee. Together they belittle, gossip, waste many work hours whispering to each other and chuckling about their victim(s), while planning their next attack or “joke” as they might call it. It’s not fair or right and I stay only because I’m not going to let these people force me out of a job, due to their bully behavior. I want them out! I believe justice can prevail. Be patient and hang in there. Karma is a bitch and I think “what goes around, comes around”. I’ll keep my nose to the grindstone and do my best to defend myself, because I know I am a competent, honest and hard working individual and the bullies will pay someday. I would bet my job on it. I’ll keep you posted.
From Teena
The previous post (above) wrote it exactly the way I would of wanted to. So, I will just to add to her comments . After much physical and mental deterioation I finally “just left”. I had been with this company for 9 years, most of my adult life. Everything I saved with this company ,i.e pension, 401k ,excellant health insurance, company car, phone allowance, ect , all were gone. All the self doubt made me unable to market myself to another company that could match my benefits that I had deserved and earned with my current company. Also, the fear that I would land in front of another bully because I didnt “have my wits about me” ,kept me from pursuing a new , comparable position in another company. Since I have recognized what happened to me and that I am no longer living in a twilight zone, I have been able to move forward. I do not have a day go by that I don’t battle thoughts about what happened to me and how aware I am of possible being there again in my life. I have not gone back to that industry and I probably never will. I like my new job, its actually more fulfilling, but I often get questions about my reasons for leaving a career so lucrative. Though I have moved back into my field it is not with a similar product.I never am sure where I am in my process of healing. The bully is still with the company and it torments me daily to know that the bullying will continue. I do know that I did everything I could to make his superiors aware so they could help him and others. But with bullying still legal and underecognized there was not much else for me to do but “just leave” and deal with the memories. (Note: Post edited by Admin in order to respect confidentiality of previous blog post)
Please do not print my name on the blog, as it could be googled and I need my privacy. I think the thing about “just leave” is that it still leaves the issue unresolved at some level, particularly for the victim. I left my workplace where I felt bullied after two and a half years, I resigned with dignity when the situation with my boss had deteriorated too far beyond retrieval, but now I am left with nightmares and fitful sleep, and my memories that won’t let go, of the injustice, the snide comments, the far-fetched “complaints” that belittled my work and my whole sense of self. Yes, I agree “just leave” provides an answer, but I wonder if it is all too convenient for the bully, and if the price I have paid is too high, in terms of my mental and emotional well-being, and in terms of my humiliation–what do I say in my next job interview when asked “Why did you leave?” How do I answer that; it looks like there was something wrong with me/or that I did something terribly wrong to have to leave a permanent job in my field…and I have had to forfeit all my other sound work relations with staff and clients that were happy and productive, for the sake of one toxic relationship (with my immediate supervisor).The whole experience has left me questioning my own ability to make good judgments and to be discerning, and doubting myself–why did I stay so long, why did I allow it to happen, why didn’t I get professional outside help sooner, why me, why why etc.
The other question is that spiritual-thinking friends say that “we create our own reality”, so how did I create this situation? I have examined my actions and demeanour and so on, but I can only be responsible for my 50% of an interaction…how can I take responsibility for someone else’s mis-communication or lack of communication etc, or their intentions?
So now in the short term I have to seek contract and casual work quickly to get myself back on my feet and to try to move on from those bad memories and to see my way forward, without those shadows hanging over me.
Thank you so much for your blog and your website and your book, Valerie, they are all supportive and reassure me that workplace bullying is unfortunately very common all round the world.
Cheers (Note: Submitted by Admin, in order to respect confidentiality)
Lyn Perez (above) wrote it exactly the way I would of wanted to. So, I will just to add to her comments . After much physical and mental deterioation I finally “just left”. I had been with this company for 9 years, most of my adult life. Everything I saved with this company ,i.e pension, 401k ,excellant health insurance, company car, phone allowance, ect , all were gone. All the self doubt made me unable to market myself to another company that could match my benefits that I had deserved and earned with my current company. Also, the fear that I would land in front of another bully because I didnt “have my wits about me” ,kept me from pursuing a new , comparable position in another company. Since I have recognized what happened to me and that I am no longer living in a twilight zone, I have been able to move forward. I do not have a day go by that I don’t battle thoughts about what happened to me and how aware I am of possible being there again in my life. I have not gone back to that industry and I probably never will. I like my new job, its actually more fulfilling, but I often get questions about my reasons for leaving a career so lucrative. Though I have moved back into my field it is not with a similar product.I never am sure where I am in my process of healing. The bully is still with the company and it torments me daily to know that the bullying will continue. I do know that I did everything I could to make his superiors aware so they could help him and others. But with bullying still legal and underecognized there was not much else for me to do but “just leave” and deal with the memories.
great response.
the biggest problem is the perception that it’s not a REAL problem.
resistance from businesses/legislators/courts comes from the fear of backlogging the courts with claims that are no more than complaints from disgruntled employees.
in indiana, the supreme court took a step in legitimizing the concept of ‘workplace bullying’ in a recent case…affirming that workplace bullying is a form of IIED.
Kudos on your candor Val! It is not easy to “just leave” nor should it be the only option. Your link to rape is valid and only those with an open mind and/or experience will see that it is a VERY realistic comparison. It is everyone’s responsibility to stand against injustice. That is how society evolves.