What is a Respectful Relationship?
If you asked yourself, “What is a Respectful Relationship; what does that look like?” you’d be asking yourself a fantastic question. No one would argue that a respectful culture, respectful relationship or respectful organization isn’t a good thing to have. No disagreement there. The disagreement comes in agreeing on this: What is a respectful relationship?
Have You Ever Wondered?
Have you ever believed you were being respectful but you wondered about the behavior exchange coming from your colleague? They’ve somehow let you down with an unfulfilled behavior and you’re left feeling doubt, and wondering ‘what you could do better’. Many times we try and analyze the behavior exchange, ours and theirs; and we try to understand what we could do differently next time. We also wonder, how could someone could ‘do that’ or we ask ‘why are they doing that…to me’? Since it often seems impossible to influence a very difficult person, we start to wonder what we should have done differently instead.
Here’s The Catch:
We might not be able to do something differently to change a bully, but we could do something differently in order to change our experience of the disrespectful behavior we are experiencing…bottom line…a plan to eliminate the constant self-doubt, analyzing and second-guessing.
What If You Tried This Instead?
What if you knew with your whole heart what a respectful relationship looked like? What if you could take any exchange with a person and measure that exchange with the “Bully Free at Work” Respectful Criteria? Then when you come in contact with a bully or a very difficult person, you will start to do away with the constant self-wondering and instead you’ll say: “Wow, that’s bullying behavior and I don’t receive that”. How about this: “That’s a behavior that says more about the other person than it does about me…I refuse to worry about this.”
What Gets Measured Gets Treasured!
Next time you come across a bullying situation or even a difficult/disrespectful situation, try running the scenario against our “Bully Free at Work” Respectful Criteria™:
The Bully Free at Work Respectful Criteria:
On a scale of 1-5:
5 = I feel respected 100% (You are energized!)
4 = I feel respected 80% (Nothing to complain about)
3 = I neither feel respected or disrespected (Just business…)
2 = I felt disrespected; specific behaviors of another person left me feeling ‘less than’
1 = I felt totally disrespected; specific behaviors of another were intentionally rude, condescending and inappropriate.
My personal rating of the other person’s ability to be:
|Kind||5 4 3 2 1|
|Caring||5 4 3 2 1|
|Generous||5 4 3 2 1|
|Compassionate||5 4 3 2 1|
|Thoughtful||5 4 3 2 1|
|Considerate||5 4 3 2 1|
|Helpful||5 4 3 2 1|
|Empathetic||5 4 3 2 1|
|Concerned||5 4 3 2 1|
|Understanding||5 4 3 2 1|
|Capacity for working things out without resistance||5 4 3 2 1|
|Capacity of pursuing you to work things out||5 4 3 2 1|
|Ability to roll with mistakes and move on||5 4 3 2 1|
Peace: After interacting I feel a sense of:
|Calmness||5 4 3 2 1|
|Harmony||5 4 3 2 1|
|Trust||5 4 3 2 1|
|I feel confident about myself||5 4 3 2 1|
|I feel safe being myself||5 4 3 2 1|
|I look forward to interacting with this person||5 4 3 2 1|
|Interacting is a source of pleasure with this person||5 4 3 2 1|
Possible score is 100.
Try this assessment with your most supportive friend and see how they rate. Hopefully their score is high! This will give you a perspective of people and attributes you value. Know this, and be mindful and aware to surround yourself with this type of person regularly.
If most of the people in your life rate at a lower score, then you might look inside to see if you are perhaps too demanding, or perhaps you are not choosing to surround yourself with the kind of people you need in order to create a peaceful existence.
If you have a healthy balance of people who rate high on this assessment and perhaps a few people who rate lower, you’ll begin to see: Your observation of disrespectful behavior is not to be doubted, but honored so you can protect yourself with a healthy boundary instead of suffering at the notion of self-doubt and crazy-making.
Now, lastly, as Gandhi has been quoted as saying: No matter the adversity, “Become the change you want to see in the world”…try this assessment on yourself too; make the adjustments and let your light shine so bright that you attract the very best for yourself just as many have done so for centuries. Creating inner strength is always worth working on; you are worth it!
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Valerie Cade, CSP is a Workplace Bullying Expert, Speaker and Author of "Bully Free at Work: What You Can Do To Stop Workplace Bullying Now!" which has been distributed in over 100 countries worldwide. For presentations and consulting on workplace bullying prevention and respectful workplace implementation, go to http://www.BullyFreeAtWork.com
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