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Two Bully Proof Tips to Build Your Self Confidence

Do you believe a bully has high self-esteem? Most people will say no. I used to think the same, however, a bully does have high self-esteem. Self esteem has to do with believing one deserves. Deserves happiness, to be treated fairly – really anything. Too much belief or an attitude not balanced in humility creates entitlement. So, could it be that it is the target that suffers from lower levels of self-esteem, not the bully? Yes. What the bully suffers from is low self-image. This is why they infringe on others’ needs and territory.

Does This Sound Familiar?

  1. Feelings of ‘not being enough’, shame, guilt, self-doubt and self-trust adding up to an overall feeling of unworthiness as a result of being around a bully at work?
  2. You feel like you have a liability and you become consumed with your ‘feelings’; in fact your feelings are in charge now instead of ‘you.’ And the bully can cause you to feel awful at any time, not to mention the memories.
  3. You become more aligned with avoiding pain than being influenced and drawn to creating joy.
  4. Without joy, you do not feel hope and you begin to move inward, rather than building on your confidences to enjoy and experience life and even lead others.

Let’s Consider These Facts:

  1. One out of six people have reported being bullied at work in their career.
  2. Only 11% of targets go to their manager or higher authority for help.
  3. Ninety three percent (93%) of people say they do not know ‘what to do’ when someone comes to them with a bullying challenge.

Where Might This Leave You?

  1. You might start to believe in the bully’s needs and demands and doubt your own needs.
  2. You might be under the illusion that this cannot get better because others ‘cannot identify’ completely – now you feel alone.
  3. You might be worried about leaving your power in the hands of others who might not be able to help you.

Knowing and Developing These Two Aspects Will Build Your Self-Esteem:

Nathanial Branden, Ph. D., the Father of Self Esteem says Self Esteem is:

  1. Confidence in our ability to think and cope with the challenges of life.
  2. Confidence in our right to be happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs where appropriate and to enjoy the fruits of our efforts.

How Do You Rate?

Why not rate yourself on a scale of 1-5 (5=100% able and effective) for each of these two points. Then become aware of this and create a baseline for yourself… 

What You Can Do: Two Tips To Help Build The Self Esteem You Deserve:

1. Confidence in our ability to think and cope with the challenges of life:

Be in charge of some of the challenges and overcome them. Goal setting. You set the goals, you are in control. Do not allow the emotion of the situation outweigh your decision to follow through on something good for yourself. The key is even if you do not “feel like it”, discipline yourself to “do it”. It works! Jim Rohn says: “For every disciplined effort there is a multiple reward.” Start small. When I was trying to re-start my life a number of years ago, I started with the goal of flossing my teeth each day. I put a little chart on the fridge. The first day was great! The second day I was ready to give up…because no one was watching!

This is where the breakthrough happens: Winners do what the average don’t feel like doing. Discipline to not give up on yourself is key here. Keep the goals alive. When done, celebrate. Then set a new small goal and complete it. After flossing my teeth everyday it was running. Then running in races. Then speaking, then…I might still be on the couch if it hadn’t been for this small piece of advice:

Guess what? You get to be 100% in control! Don’t let anything get in the way of you building your achievement levels; it absolutely counts for gaining back your self esteem.

2. Confidence in our right to be happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs where appropriate and to enjoy the fruits of our efforts:

Be around giving people who do not require you jump through ‘hoops’ in order to receive something. Find one or two givers and notice how much easier it is to be relaxed around them. In some deeper cases, shame sets in and this says ‘I am wrong,’ as opposed to the sense of guilt which is’ what I did was wrong’.

You might experience this and let me recommend an excellent book for you: “Healing the Shame That Binds You” by John Bradshaw. Lastly, make a list of things you ‘used to enjoy’, key word is ‘in-joy’ and decide one thing you could do this week to experience something more than fear. Experiencing joy will allow you to know you ARE deserving of happiness. And guess what? You are 100% in control of that too!

Lastly, I’ll leave you with this little prayer that has helped many all over the world:

The Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Maybe there are some things we can control, like the protection of self-esteem.
“No one can make me feel inferior without my permission.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

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2 responses to “Two Bully Proof Tips to Build Your Self Confidence”

  1. marie says:

    today my boss said that she as going to look into redeployment or i may not be able to carry on working in the nhs. i have had 9 days off sick in the last year and i am threatened with this after having informed her that i have been referred to a rheumatologist to be investigated for fibromyalgia. this is one in a line of comments on how nhs will not carry employees that have medical issues. i dont know where to turn

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Valerie Cade, CSP is a Workplace Bullying Expert, Speaker and Author of "Bully Free at Work: What You Can Do To Stop Workplace Bullying Now!" which has been distributed in over 100 countries worldwide. For presentations and consulting on workplace bullying prevention and respectful workplace implementation, go to

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