Here’s a Scenario:

Judy works for a company where Michelle is the receptionist.  Michelle does not directly report to Judy, but Judy does have a higher position in the company. Michelle ignores Judy when Judy says hello when she comes into work.  Michelle “forgets” to handle tasks Judy has asked her to do, and does not include Judy in important emails, thereby holding information back from Judy that she needs in order to get her job done effectively.

What happened:
Judy went to her boss first and the advice was to be “nice” to Michelle and buy her coffee in the mornings – to reach out.  Judy did this, and nothing changed.  In fact, Michelle said she didn’t even like that brand of coffee.

Then:
Judy attempted to try and influence Michelle by talking directly with her in order to hopefully come to an agreement.  Judy said:
“I sense you ignoring me when I come into work…I say hello and you do not say hello back.”
“I feel hurt and left out…”
“What I’d like is for you to acknowledge me with a hello when I come into work.”
Then ask:  “Can you do this – Yes or No?”

Michelle replied with, “Well, if I wasn’t so overloaded…”  (excuse:  not wanting to hear Judy).  Judy persisted, and said “I can see you’re busy, but is that a Yes or a No?”.  Michelle said “I don’t know what you’re talking about – you’re so sensitive” (deflection).

Michelle’s responses are discounting and they minimize Judy’s feelings.  These are classic techniques bullies use to avoid a healthy dialogue for win-win resolution.  Bullies don’t want resolution; they want control over you.

This is when Judy knew for sure that Michelle’s behavior was bullying behavior:

• It was deliberate – no one else was treated this way;
• It was repeated;
• It was disrespectful and harmed Judy – holding her back from a healthy synergistic relationship that co-workers should have with each another. Furthermore, when a request was made, Michelle chose to not take an interest in Judy’s needs – it was more important to Michelle to have control by not even acknowledging the issue.

Michelle denied the olive branch and failed the test – she chose ‘power over’ by trying to discount and minimize Judy’s requests for a win-win conversation.

Now What Should Judy Do?

1. Stop buying coffee and stop trying to rationalize with Michelle – no more fantasizing “Maybe if I bought Michelle another kind of coffee, or brought in homemade cookies…”.  Stop.  This is how Judy can bullyproof herself.
2. Document exactly what happened in detail, and ask for a quiet meeting with the direct boss (who has authority).
3. If Judy’s boss does not acknowledge the conversation request, Judy should have a conversation with Michelle’s boss, who has authoritative power over Michelle.  Judy should ask specifically for what she wants, using a Crucial Conversation Planner, and not let the boss brush her off.  She could bring the boss a coffee, if she wants!

Key:  Accessing authoritative power is part of your intervention tool kit.  You need this help to deal with a manipulative, “out to get you” bully.

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4 responses to “Workplace Bullying – How to Prove it and Move Forward”

1. Lynne says:

   May 12, 2009 at 5:41 am

   What do you suggest if the bully is your boss????

2. May says:

   November 26, 2008 at 10:00 am

   I think the sentence to use when a boss critizes you is the best I have heard in the above suggestion which is: “Thank you for letting me know” And like you said try not dwell on the bad situation you had with your boss. That is not easy. That causes stress.

3. ErvinTW says:

   November 10, 2008 at 10:49 pm

   Thanks! Nice post.

4. LP says:

   November 10, 2008 at 8:39 pm

   I’d like to add a point about “It was deliberate – no one else was treated this way”. I work in an large IT organization, with three letters to its name, that has encorporated bullying right into the culture through evaluations and other managerial functions. Excuses and deflection seemed to be in the managers manual for that company. The bullies in this company believed it their job to demean everyone they thought they should. My point is that they did it to many people! Managers were bullied by managers, managers bullied people they managed etc.. If it is the norm for a company, good luck in getting that company to see it as unacceptable. Even HR will deny bullying if everyone is bullied!