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WORKPLACE BULLYING

RESPECT • CIVILITY • ACCOUNTABILITY

Need More Confidence to Handle the Bully at Work?

I was recently speaking to a group of employees on  Workplace Bullying and while many had read my book, Bully Free at Work, one lady had said, “How can I be more confident in handling the bully?” I thought, this is exactly the right message to be sharing right now. To find out The Top 3 Tips on Creating More Confidence in Handling Workplace Bullying keep reading…

Step 1: Knowing Where Confidence Is Created

Know this: Confidence building for anyone has to do with having a sense of control over one’s circumstances. When one is bullied, one feels a very serious loss of control which in turn increases the lower self-confidence.

What To Do: Decide some activities you used to do with some degree of confidence, non related to work. Activities you enjoy or enjoyed. Emphasis on “In-Joy”. Schedule one item this week and build on that. A simple as this seems, it is necessary.

Really Know This: Self confidence is built on achievement. You will rarely ‘achieve’ alongside of a bully. In fact, you will feel the opposite.

Step 2: Knowing Where Confidence Is Destroyed

Know this: You can be feeling so great and all that needs to happen is an incidence with the bully. Or, if you are like most people, no one can take your memories away and it is the pure memory you reflect on that reminds you of how poorly you feel.

What To Do: Go into any situation with a bully with your ‘hopes down’. Do not expect, hope or think they will change. Do you catch yourself hoping for the best? This leave you open and worse yet, vulnerable, needing approval from the bully in some way for you to feel connected and thus in ‘control’. “Lower your expectations” as my good friend Joe Malarkey says.

Really Know This: The bully wants what you have. The bully is driven by envy which has nothing to do with you. Nothing you can do will change this.

Step 3: Knowing Where Confidence Can Grow and Be Protected

Know this: You can do almost anything with confidence. You have the right to feel confident. Being bullied is NOT your fault. Also know you are good and it says more about the bully than you. What does this mean? Can you schedule more time to be in situations where your confidence could grow?

What To Do: Make a list of friends. Make a list of good movies. Make a list of…When you take a pro-active stance you are saying to the bully: “I’m in control and you are not going to take my power away!” Doing these things more often than not, but pro-actively will help to insulate you in a sea of protection. But you have to take the bull by the horns…

Really Know This: We receive emails from all over the world each day sharing their stories of “I didn’t think I’d could get out of this ‘feeling’ of low self worth” or “I didn’t think this would ever change.” Most of these people also mentioned to pass along: You are worth it, keep going, protect yourself…first.

What can you do today to protect yourself first?

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11 responses to “Need More Confidence to Handle the Bully at Work?”

  1. JENNIFER says:

    you are not crazy,I been in the same position, I was a very happy and encourage woman and if I don’t move from my old job I don’t know if i was here writing to you, the bully i encounter put me don’t talk to other coworkers about me, and I stay in the job I ignore many encounter from her until I have enough and I stand Up and I told her do not talk to me or to others about me i told her she was a child and a poor human being that need compasion and love. I put her in her shoes in front of the coworkers,she give the resignation letter 1 week after i did that. I move from the job because i found another where the people treat me with respect and my manager listen to me.

  2. lynn adams says:

    OMG, This is so my story 6 years later.

  3. lynn adams says:

    oh my dear friend, I am a registered nurse who has, after 3 attempts, of standing up to bullies everything was twisted back onto me. Once a target, always a target. I have over 300 documents to show how my boss along with her minnions systematically, relentlessly, over 5 years almost completely destroyed me to where I am now applying for LTD. I will not give up my fight as these cruel, hateful, mean people need to be stopped. Bless your heart, look up kickbully.com and do not give up your fight. They never once had anything on my work performance though, that is the only reason they could not fire me outright. Very scary as every human being makes mistakes. Make sure any complaint against you is in writing not “hearsay”.

  4. Deborah Webb says:

    I have Aspergers so have been bullied in the workplace all my working life. I have found that almost no matter how much self-esteem you have, the bully will still pick their victim, and the more vulnerable that victim is in regard to self-esteem, the more the bully will be a negative force in that person’s life. I am retired now, thank God, but because I was bullied on such a regular basis that I experienced ptsd, as far as I am concerned, the ONLY way to deal with a bully is to have a friend in the mob who can help you “disappear” the bully.

  5. Debbie says:

    I have been in all these predicaments myself and it is ongoing because I won’t be someone else
    and cater to everyone I would be a better person
    if people were better to me and give me time to
    get used to my surroundings and talk when it is
    comfortable for me but the gossip and hatred starts and then there is no turning back and no matter how I handle it, there is no solution I always said, it is others who have to change, not me I am constantly being put in a place where I have to “watch” what I am saying or not explode
    or even speak my mind for fear I will lose something It pretty much has my life destroyed
    but even if I follow this, the ordeals go on
    I don’t depend on anyone but myself anymore
    it makes you really self sufficient

  6. b cmpbell says:

    what should I do. I have being working under this harrassment and bullying situation repealy for two years. Recently my boss accused me of treating to kill a cleaner ladying who clean for the offfice. I have been going through greiveance meeting, now appeal meeting coming up.after that is my diciplinary meeting for their accusuation and lies against me. I am praying that my God will change their mind and give me victory.

  7. Debbie Pieterse says:

    My advice is – get out before your self esteem is damaged. If your manager and HR doesn’t help you on the first complaint, they never will. Don’t beat your head against a brick wall, especially if you are in the public sector. It doesn’t matter whether or not you are a valuable employee, it just matters what will be the least amount of work for them. They will tell whatever lie they have to to cover their a$$ and you will never win (at least in conventional terms)

    You will find that you will be sacrificed to the mob because that is what is the easiest for gutless management and HR managers, whatever the stated “Human Resources Vision Statements” are such as Respectful Workplace Policies, etc. etc. ad nauseum. Just words on a piece of paper, no one really cares about trying to live them. It’s all just common sense after all, treat other people the way you wish to be treated. Bullies act this way, “Because They Can” and because they are allowed to by the management in charge and HR is their partners in crime.

    So, just find a position where you will be less stressed and regain your confidence and heal from your PTSD, and won’t lose too much in benefits and salary. It’s not worth having a heart attack or ruining your personal life. After all, ultimately it’s not about you – it’s about them. It’s about the fact that they cannot handle that you have better skills and a better work ethic, and you have to be brought down to their level, whatever they have to do or say to do it. It’s like sharks circling in the water.

    So take a piece of advice from someone who tried to work within the system – find a suitable job as fast as you can before your sanity is called into question and your reputation is damaged and just get out. It’s just a job – on your deathbed you won’t care about the job, you will care about your family and friends. Try and live a happy life and find a good situation for yourself.

    Think of it as a life lesson and try to never ever put yourself in that sort of situation again.

    In fact, learn to pity your bullies because how pathetic are you that you have to make someone else miserable to make yourself feel better? And how gutless are you to not stick up for people in such a situation when you can do something about it?

    I would rather have gone through years of misery at work like I did and know that I spoke the truth and acted with honour like my mom and dad and grandparents taught me to do, than be one of the bullying mob.

    To those of you in such a situation, I feel for you and I pray that it will get better for you in 2010. Keep on keeping on, and it will. It did for me, although it took a few years to find a way out.

    Take Care of Yourself!
    Debbie

  8. Thank you! You often write very interesting articles. You improved my mood.

  9. Stephanie says:

    The bully at my job has not bothered me anymore…I am waiting for the good streak to end and for it all to start all over again…but I have decided that I wont allow that…I know when we have another confrontation(cause I am sure we will)I may get loud and thats what I have to learn to control…I told her one day when this stuff was going on that I was “sick of her s**t…I dont wanna be like that…I want to show control and say to her, “you arent gonna even get me mad enough to argue with you” because I am more mature than that to play the 2nd grade game…there are 2 other girls that have still heard her be rude and they need to go to the manager and tell him that its starting up again and that they werent gonna put up with it…I know I sure wont…anyways, lets pray that she knows better than to mess with me since I took in the 39 tips on workplace bullying and harrasment papers that I printed off of here…That sure got my bosses attention…It says everything I have tried to think of saying in the heat of the moment…and it has worked so far…Thanks Again!!!

  10. MARY says:

    I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. I CALL IT THE PTSD (POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER) OF BULLYING. THE DOCTOR THAT WAS BULLYING ME HAS BEEN GONE FOR 6 MONTHS, BUT I STILL GET ANXIETY ATTACKS, EVEN IN MY DREAMS WHEN I AM ASLEEP. THE RECEPTIONIST AND A MALE TECHNICIAN WAS GOING TO TURN HER INTO THE STATE BOARD, (THEY HAVE A LOT MORE EVIDENCE ON HER THAN I DID) BUT EVEN SHE GOT SCARED, MAYBE BECAUSE SHE CAN’T DO IT ANONYMOUSLY, OR MAYBE BECAUSE OF THE DR’S MENTAL PROBLEMS THAT SHE FORWARDED THE EMAIL ABOUT. ANYWAY, I STILL CAN’T GET OVER THE FEAR.

  11. Mary says:

    The bully has been gone a year! Thank God!!! My self confidence is every so slowly coming back, but it is so slow! I am in a new position now where my creativity and problem solving abilities are being used extensively and I LOVE IT! I have a fantastic boss and great peers who believe in my abilities. My problem: I feel like I am still haunted by the bully of the past. How do I get around this and conquer the feeling that she is still watching and maneuvering to destroy me? She now works 30 miles from here but I still feel her awful presence in my life. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t pray for her and for those who work under her!!!
    Thank you for your tips and knowledge on this subject. It helps me to know I am not crazy!

    …Mary

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Valerie Cade, CSP is a Workplace Bullying Expert, Speaker and Author of "Bully Free at Work: What You Can Do To Stop Workplace Bullying Now!" which has been distributed in over 100 countries worldwide. For presentations and consulting on workplace bullying prevention and respectful workplace implementation, go to http://www.BullyFreeAtWork.com

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