If people could only say what they want, and want what they say. When dealing with workplace bullies, communication in the workplace is fraught with anemic requests and feeble declarations. People know they’re in this territory when they get those demur requests where people “beat around the bush” dancing from foot to foot as they ask for something. Most often workplace bullies will use this as leverage in order to gain more ‘power over’ a target.

There is a reason for these garbled messages. Targets, and in fact, most people, are afraid to ask for what they want. Their internal self-talk goes something like this: “If I ask for what I want, and the other denies me, then I’d prefer to sugar coat my request in order to feel less rejection”. This feeling of rejection is the motivator for the target and a godsend for workplace bullies.

It is painful to feel rejection and most of us will go out of our way to avoid it. One of life’s important lessons is to learn that people will say Yes and No to us. If we live our lives to secure a Yes every time we ask for something, we will cripple our ability to fully realize our desires. In addition to short changing ourselves, we will confuse our colleagues and live in quiet frustration. The problem for many is confusing the rejection of one’s ideas and requests with rejection of themselves. We must come to realize that when someone says No to us it does not automatically taint our total personhood.

Beth was a longtime employee in her company and the recipient of much praise for her loyalty. Her faithful service however was not reflected in her pay cheque. Beth was a compliant person and not given to making waves. She did however feel compelled to request a pay raise and suffered greatly as she contemplated approaching her boss. After much anguish she mustered up the courage to request a meeting. Instead of getting directly to the point, she confused her boss by launching a mini campaign of petty complaints, hoping that he would get the message that she wanted more money.

To clearly state her request was more than she could tolerate. Beth couldn’t face the idea of being turned down so she masked her real message with a lot of “staged grumpiness”.

So what can we do to stop the camouflaged requests?

1. With workplace bullies, we must understand that not being direct and clear may hold back our productivity. Oblique requests often show up in the form of a question that puts the listener in the driver’s seat. A question like, “What are you doing this afternoon?” when the person really wants to say, “I’d like you to join me for coffee”, is a common way to obscure the truth. The belief here is that if you ask in an opaque way the rejection will be muted if the other person refuses to oblige.

2. Write out your request of another before you present it to him/her so it is clear in your own mind. It is much harder for you to think clearly when your cognitions are couched in an overlay of emotion. If it is too hard to speak your truth directly to another, present the written request to the person concerned.

3. Know that you have a right and responsibility to speak your truth and make your wishes known to your co workers as you communicate at work.

4. If asking for what you need is a nagging problem affecting all aspects of your life, then additional assertiveness training and coaching is a good idea to explore. Check out my “Win Win Assertiveness” CD and workbook program that will teach you how to say what you want, not at the expense of yourself or others.

Life would be so much simpler and richer if we could just say what we want and want what we say. This is one time it’s okay to feel entitled. There are handsome rewards for putting our wishes out there. Making our needs clearly known will enable us to enjoy freedom and self respect. Deciding to be clear on your needs at work is the first step to creating communication in the workplace that is solid and synergistic; and furthermore, you will create a necessary boundary against workplace bullies, showing them that you do have a voice.

Question: Have you found yourself becoming less assertive as a result of being bullied?

Question: Have you tried being assertive? How did you do?

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