It’s not fair. Yes, this is true. The question is what do we do when something isn’t fair? While workplace bullying has been proven to take its toll on a target’s well being, sometimes one forgets they still have power. This place of powerlessness does not serve anyone, especially the target.

It is natural to think: “Why should I have to change? They are the ones who need to change”. Yes, this can feel more comfortable for the time being, but most times, as we know, the bully doesn’t change. If we are not careful, we can become an entirely different person as a result of holding onto our resentments. I hope this two part series will help you to unlock and re-load! Remember, you are more than your feelings, experiences and past!

What Is Resentment?

Definition of Resentment: the harboring of animosity, hostility and ill-will toward a person or group of people who you believe has treated you unjustly.

Resentment Can Create: unresolved anger, seething and aching emotional turmoil that can rob you of a positive outlook and joy. Also, there can be an unwillingness to forgive and an inability to let go and forget. You ‘get stuck’ and wonder how you ‘got here’.

If You’ve Carried Resentment, Have You Behaved This Way?

1. You fume silently and have distressing thoughts in this person’s presence or at the memory of them.
2. You start and continue to speak in a derisive or demeaning way about this person to others (this is gossip).
3. You get upset at ‘other’ things and ‘other’ people in order to cope.
4. You become despondent and often go in circles in any attempt to overcome negative feelings.
5. You fake enthusiasm about being with this person when you’d rather have nothing to do with them.
6. You reject all efforts to forgive and forget past offenses and hurts; in fact you defend your position to feel upset.
7. You resist all attempts to get ‘on with life’ and act out with distractions that do not ultimately serve your well-being.
8. You have unfinished business with people from your past which needs to be addressed, but you ignore and numb these thoughts thus preventing you from moving on.
9. You find it difficult to open up to trust others, especially in new relationships.
10. You overcompensate in your efforts to be successful, pulling away from the (good) person you really are.

How Do We Become Resentful?

1. Accepting treatment from others passively, never or rarely expressing and resolving the negative feelings about it either directly or through an energy release system such as exercise, counseling, a higher power etc.
2. Agreeing to do something for others yet feeling that you are being taken advantage of or taken for granted.
3. Trying to get others to see your point of view while being ignored.
4. Seeing others succeed who you believe to have not worked as hard as you, or have not had to face the same struggles as you’ve had; comparisons occur.
5. Going unrecognized for your good work or competency while others are recognized.
6. You are bothered by a hostile, cynical and sarcastic attitude; it becomes a barrier between you and the person or people with whom you want to connect.
7. You work hard and others seem to prevent you from experiencing the sweetness your success (ie) envy.
8. Having someone whom you have tried hard to please – they reject your efforts of caring and concern.
9. You think: “I am damned if I do and also damned if I don’t”. The other person is ‘never satisfied’.
10. You are embarrassed by a person whose goal is to belittle you, and you cannot seem to stop them or hold them accountable.
11. Being consistently rejected, unapproved, unaccepted and abandoned by another.
12. Being the object of discrimination or prejudice.
13. Being ignored, put down, scorned and rejected by a person or people for whom you made sacrifices.
14. Having someone you care about be treated unjustly even though your requests to stop such actions were not acknowledged.
15. Recognizing that you are the one who always makes the effort, and when you stop giving, the relationship ceases.

Become aware if you are holding onto any resentments and what this might be doing to you. Do not ignore or numb out. Hiding unresolved anger and feelings will keep you from receiving  joy. We will continue to reject ourselves and others until we ‘feel’. As Dr. Phil says, we cannot heal what we cannot feel which is a very good thing to remember.

Can you journal and sit with this awareness in order to feel and become more aware? Just know that when you recognize anger and resentment, it is the first step in your break through. Ignoring these feelings may create a persistent negative attitude and behavior problem. You are more than your feelings, and you will benefit by becoming more aware of your feelings and how they may be controlling you. This can seem like a leap of faith. Why not try it…you’re worth it.

Be sure to read Overcoming Workplace Bullying Resentment for additional information.

*Note: Your name and email will not ever appear, it is strictly used to prevent spam comments.

One response to “Handling Workplace Bullying Resentment and Anger”

1. Rob Wightman says:

   October 22, 2010 at 7:17 pm

   Val,

   Since buying your book earlier this year, my life has improved dramatically. To the extent that I have been able to admit I was bullied, as well as finally getting my organisation to recognise the fact that I was being bullied.

   We are not there yet though, as the organisation have requested I remain silent until they mentor the bully into mending his ways.

   I am about to start work again after a six month break so we will see what happens.

   Your book and the emails have been a revelation to me, I could not have got this far without it. I now show the emails to others, who I think could benefit.

   Many many thanks

   Rob
   Auckland NEW ZEALAND

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