Welcome to Bully Free at Work: The BLOG
Dedicated to Stopping Workplace Bullying
Bullying in the Workplace occurs in every country in the world. For targets who experience Bullying at Work - my desire is to give you the very best tools and strategies to regain the confidence and respect that you deserve. And for managers and supervisors, it is my aspiration to give you the finest leadership support to create a healthy respectful workplace.
Stopping Workplace Bullying is everyone's responsibility - consider Bully Free at Work your go-to resource that will inspire, inform and allow you to implement well researched solutions that you can count on. Period.
We're in your corner,
Valerie Cade, Founder
Bully Free at Work
Workplace Bullying: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
July 1, 2009 | Click Here to Post a Comment »
If you could choose any virtue that could “heal” all workplace bullying, misunderstandings, difficult people, what would it be? What would it look like? There is one virtue that is the greatest. Do you know what it is?
Love. We’ve heard it said for years. What is love specifically, and how does it relate to someone who has either suffered workplace bullying directly as a target, or has witnessed workplace bullying as a bystander?
When someone does not treat us the way we want to be treated, we either:
- Push back aggressively (non-loving)
- Get walked on by another’s non-loving behavior, or
- **Have firm and loving boundaries that separate and protect us from harm, and at the same time does not sacrifice our own loving kind spirit.
Here is love defined, best described by the Bible, and a fuller explanation of what love and what love isn’t, in order for you to better observe others’ behavior as well as your own.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes; always perseveres. Love never fails.
Patient
- Enduring: lasting, continuing, durable, permanent, stable, long-term
- Tolerant: broadminded, open-minded, liberal, forbearing, understanding, charitable
- Unwearied:
- Uncomplaining: accepting, accommodating, forgiving
- Long-suffering: resigned, selfless
- Serene: tranquil, calm, peaceful, quiet, still
- Capable of waiting
- Capable of persevering
Impatient (opposite)
- Annoyed: angry, irritated, infuriated, exasperated, aggravated, upset, wound-up, bothered, maddened, frustrated, displeased, provoked, riled, incensed, cheesed-off,
- Irritated: goaded
- Edgy: prickly
- Intolerant: bigoted, prejudiced, narrow-minded, small-minded, fanatical
Kind
- Caring: loving, sensitive, concerned
- Sympathetic: kindhearted, supportive,
- Nice: pleasant, good, polite, fine
- Thoughtful: attentive
- Gentle: tender
- Compassionate: empathetic, feeling
- Benevolent
- Humane: charitable, civilized
- Considerate
- Benign
- Humanitarian
Cruel (opposite)
- Unkind: wicked, hurtful, horrid
- Harsh: insensitive, inconsiderate, unforgiving, severe, strict
- Mean: despicable, shameful
- Nasty: horrible
- Brutal: atrocious, evil, vile
- Pitiless:
- Spiteful
- Vindictive: bitter, spiteful
- Merciless: hard, unfeeling
- Vicious: ferocious, fierce, sadistic
- Heartless: cold-blooded
- Ruthless: hard-nosed
- Callous: thick-skinned
** Stayed tuned for my series on “Boundaries in the Workplace”, starting next week!
Your Question Answered on Workplace Bullying
June 3, 2009 | Click Here to Post a Comment »
We receive many email questions from all over the world. I thought this one was most important to address:
Who decides if someone is being bullied at work? Wouldn’t a target just over-react and label the behavior as bullying?
Your question is an interesting one. It has to do with the reality of the target, and the reality of the bully (the bully knowingly targets an individual with disrespectful behavior repeatedly).
In my book, Bully Free at Work, I ask each target to keep a detailed journal of observed behaviors from a bully, or bullies (i.e.) mobbing. This is done to demonstrate a pattern, as opposed to a one-time occurrence. In addition, it also shows the intensity of disrespect.
One aspect to consider is the impact of the bullying on the target. Some people who may suffer from lower forms of self esteem may experience bullying as more severe. However, many individuals with healthy self esteem also experience bullying behavior, and the experience is severe, causing harm to the target.
Separating the experience of the target from the bullying behavior is also important. For example, you could have a resilient person who handles excessive verbal abuse attacks, is denied promotions ‘without any cause’, and is purposefully left out of meetings in order to decrease the information power necessary to do their job; and yet he or she somehow manages to rise above all this. Just because the target is able to rise above this does not minimize the behavior of the bully. It is still bullying.
Bullying is repeated, deliberate disrespectful behavior toward another. The word ‘disrespectful’ has to be defined in order for each workplace to have a sense of allowable behaviors and non-allowable behaviors.
There are people who are difficult and who are not targeting anyone; this is not bullying. There are people who are very sensitive and suffer from lower levels of self esteem and may not take responsibility for their situations at work as well, who are victims, so to speak. Although this victim’s personal experience may feel severe, the behavior directed may not be bullying. And there are good people working diligently, who are being targeted repeatedly and trying to cope as best as they can. I will repeat once again: anyone who is knowingly targeting another in order to cause harm is bullying. Understanding the difference is key.
Respectful behaviors are best. Any alternative should be held accountable.
Workplace Bullying: Inspiration to be Bully-Free, Part 14: Love and Reliability
May 27, 2009 | Click Here to View 1 Comment or Post Your Own »
What do you love? What is love? Would you like more love?
Jim Rohn says ‘Give away what you want the most’. Sometimes the opposite of depression is expression. What or who might you love today to be able to gain more personal power?
Love
Love is at the center of our being. It is the vital force that gives us energy and direction. It connects one heart with another. Love is irresistible attraction and affection for a person, a place, an idea, or even for life itself. Love is cherishing others, treating them with tenderness. Love thrives on acceptance and appreciation. It has the power to heal. It calls us to continually hone ourselves, while releasing the need to control or make someone in our image. Nurtured by commitment and seasoned by kindness, love is our greatest gift.
The Practice of Love
- I allow myself to connect deeply.
- I commit to myself wholeheartedly.
- I show love through acts of kindness.
- I accept and appreciate the ones I love.
- I do the work on myself that love requires.
- I cherish the loves of my life.
Our other message this week is Reliability. Have you ever been so stressed by workplace bullying that you can feel your commitments with others slipping away? How about commitments to yourself? Here’s a great point: keeping small commitments and being reliable helps build our self esteem. Try it - more self esteem could give you just a little bit of self-worth that you need right now!
Reliability
Reliability is being dependable. Others can rely on us to be responsible. We genuinely care about keeping our commitments. When we say we will do something, we do it in a predictable way without forgetting or having to be reminded. We avoid taking on too much, so we can give fully to what we choose to do. We finish on time. No obstacle can stop us from giving our best. When friends need us, we are there. We are promise-keepers.
The Practice of Reliability
- I choose my commitments wisely.
- Others can depend on me.
- I take responsibility for what I promise.
- I am consistent in giving my best.
- My word is my bond.
- I give full support to those I love.
We’d love to hear your thoughts to encourage and support others. Feel free to reply to us any time – you just might make the difference for someone today!
Workplace Bullying: Inspiration to be Bully-Free, Part 13: Joyfulness and Tact
May 20, 2009 | Click Here to View 1 Comment or Post Your Own »
Do you remember the simple pleasures that you once experienced and furthermore enjoyed… or in-joyed?
This week’s message is Joyfulness. Make a list of the simple pleasures that give you a warm richness of life. For me, it’s wearing cozy slippers as soon as I get home (and being in awe of that still) or seeing anything that is orange. Sometimes we just have to be reminded… do you know these things might still be able to give you the joy you deserve? Try it!
Joyfulness
Joyfulness is an inner wellspring of peace and happiness. It is beyond ordinary happiness because it is not an occasional emotional reaction to lack or circumstances. It is a deep sense of wellbeing that fills us with delight and hope. We appreciate the gift of life, and savor its richness. We enjoy simple pleasures. We find the humor in things. We allow joy to carry us through the painful times. We take ourselves lightly and remember to play. Joy comes when we are being true to a soulful purpose. It gives us an abiding sense that all is well.
The Practice of Joyfulness
- I have a deep sense that life is good.
- I enjoy the richness of life’s experiences.
- I am optimistic and hopeful.
- I am in touch with my purpose.
- I feel inner peace even when life is difficult.
The second part of this week’s message is about Tact. We may be hesitant in confronting the workplace bully; in fact, we might be stuffing our emotions. Are we being tactful with all other relationships? Sometimes a gentle reminder is all we need.
Tact
Tact is telling the truth kindly. We think before we speak, aware of how deeply our words affect others. When our words are weighty, we weigh our words, knowing they have the power to cause pain or uplift. A harsh word to an intimate is like a grain of sand in their eye. An encouraging word can fill them with confidence. Tact is essential when we feel strong emotions like anger. It helps us discern what to say and what is better left unsaid. Tact is good timing. It is the diplomacy of the heart.
The Practice of Tact
- I tell the truth kindly and gently.
- I reflect on how my words influence others.
- I think before I speak.
- I do not allow anger to control me.
- I discern when to speak and when to be silent.
- I use courteous language.
We’d love to hear your thoughts to encourage and support others. Feel free to reply to us any time – you just might make the difference for someone today!
Workplace Bullying: Inspiration to be Bully-Free, Part 12: Mercy and Loyalty
May 13, 2009 | Click Here to View 2 Comments or Post Your Own »
How do you let go of what the bully has done? Many people say grace or forgiveness will set you free. What if you do not feel like extending this?
This week’s message is on Mercy – extending forgiveness and kindness when beyond what people may deserve. It is what truly sets us free. Loyalty is the second part of our message. Perhaps in our struggle to cope, we might forget those things to which we were most loyal. A re-commitment is sometimes all we need to re-connect us to things we care about, and in turn, support us as well!
Mercy
Mercy is blessing others with our compassion and forgiveness. We are touched by their suffering and want to help. Justice is giving people what they deserve. Mercy is giving them more. We are merciful when we give ourselves and others a fresh chance after an offense or mistake. Nothing inspires hope so much as a clean slate. When we have the humility to remember the countless mercies we receive throughout life, we find it in our hearts to show mercy to others. We offer the gift of our tenderness.
The Practice of Mercy
- I am compassionate and forgiving.
- My heart is moved by the suffering of others.
- I overlook mistakes.
- I give others and myself the chance to start over.
- I treat others tenderly.
Loyalty
Loyalty is unwavering commitment to the people and ideals we care about. We are steadfast through good times and bad. Even when others disappoint us, we are resilient and forgiving. We invest in our relationships and do what it takes to keep them whole and strong. We stand by our true friends whatever the cost. We don’t allow blind loyalty to lead us into trouble. Above all, we must be true to ourselves and loyal to what we know is right.
The Practice of Loyalty
- I am steadfastly committed to those I love.
- I stand by my loved ones through good times and bad.
- I forgive mistakes.
- I am devoted to keeping my relationships strong.
- I do not allow misplaced loyalty to endanger me.
- My first commitment is to the truth.
We’d love to hear your thoughts to encourage and support others. Feel free to reply to us any time – you just might make the difference for someone today!
Workplace Bullying: Inspiration to be Bully-Free, Part 11: Nobility and Self-Discipline
May 6, 2009 | Click Here to View 2 Comments or Post Your Own »
Sometimes when the environment of experiencing workplace bullying occurs, we can get lost and create a narrow perspective that does not honor who we are really meant to be. How do you keep the faith?
This week’s message focuses on Nobility and Self-Discipline. “Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me” – we need both encouragement and accountability to grow to any new level.
Nobility
Nobility is keeping faith with our true values as spiritual beings. We treat ourselves and others with dignity and respect. We speak and act graciously. We choose the moral high road regardless of the cost. If others try to bring us down, we remain steadfast, remembering our true worth. Our sense of decency is our touchstone. The world’s temptations cannot divert us from our purpose. We don’t follow the path of least resistance. We lead principled lives. We live the good life.
The Practice of Nobility
- I know I was created noble.
- I have high ethical standards.
- I treat every person with dignity.
- I am guided by decency.
- I don’t allow others to mislead me.
- I am my own leader.
Self-Discipline
Self-discipline is having the self control to do only what we truly choose to do, rather than being blown about in the winds of our desires. Self-discipline gives us the will to persevere. It helps us to meet our goals, to be productive instead of procrastinating. It keeps us from saying or doing things we would regret. We are vigilant and honest with ourselves, which frees us to live by our highest values. We are able to weed out bad habits and cultivate good ones. Self-mastery is fulfilling to our souls.
The Practice of Self-Discipline
- I have the self-control to make wise choices.
- I resist distractions.
- I persevere in meeting my goals.
- I get things done.
- I have the strength to be tactful.
- I carefully cultivate my character.
We’d love to hear your thoughts to encourage and support others. Feel free to reply to us any time – you just might make the difference for someone today!
Workplace Bullying: Inspiration to be Bully-Free, Part 10: Acceptance and Assertiveness.
April 29, 2009 | Click Here to View 1 Comment or Post Your Own »
Do you sometimes fall under the illusion that the bully will change and see the light? If, so keep reading this week’s message, which focuses on the values of Acceptance and Assertiveness. It is Part 10 of our series on “Inspiration” to help you stop workplace bullying.
Acceptance
Acceptance is embracing life on its own terms. We are open to what is, rather than wishing for something different. We face the truth in all circumstances with honesty and courage. Acceptance helps us to bend without breaking in the winds of tests, to gather the lessons and step forward with new wisdom and awareness. We affirm others and ourselves for the qualities we do have and avoid judgment and criticism for what we and others don’t have. We don’t have to tolerate workplace bullying, but accepting that the bully may not change is key. This way you can move into reality.
The Practice of Acceptance
- I receive my tests with humor and grace.
- I seek the truth in all I experience.
- I accept the things I cannot change.
- I trust that there is some good in whatever happens.
- I accept my intimates as they are.
- I trust that I am a person of value.
Assertiveness
Assertiveness is speaking one’s truth with peaceful confidence. It is discerning the song we were given to sing and using our talents as a gift to the world. We have the courage to speak up for what we believe is right. We tell the truth about what is just. Assertiveness comes from knowing our own worth, and honoring the dignity of who we are. We stand on our own holy ground, and set boundaries without guilt. We never beg or make demands. We ask for what we need by making simple, positive requests. We treat ourselves with respect and expect respect from others at all times. When we are not assertive, we are motivated by fear. Fear will ultimately shut us down. Start with asserting, first to yourself and then with trusted friends, what your truth is. Setting boundaries with the bully instead of “just taking it” is a powerful step to your peace.
The Practice of Assertiveness
- I speak my truth with confidence.
- I value the gifts I have to give.
- I stand up for what I think is right.
- I honor my own worth.
- I set clear boundaries.
- I know I am worthy of respect.
We’d love to hear your thoughts to encourage and support others. Feel free to reply to us any time – you just might make the difference for someone today!
Workplace Bullying: Inspiration to be Bully-Free, Part 9: Decisiveness and Discernment.
April 22, 2009 | Click Here to Post a Comment »
If you had one minute to decide what was right for you, you’d probably know what to do. Yet sometimes, making a decision that is good for us can take far too long. How can you make the best decisions sooner?
This week, Part 9 of our series on “Inspiration” to help you stop workplace bullying, focuses on the values of Decisiveness and Discernment. These words of wisdom are from the Virtues Project™ http://www.virtuesproject.com
Decisiveness
Decisiveness is firmness of mind in taking a stand or making a decision. It requires us to be both courageous and discerning. At times, a choice appears and we must make it instantly, without hesitation, prompted by a deep knowing that it is right and timely. Decisiveness can also call us to hold a decision with patience, prayer and deep contemplation. We seek a pure intent, which guides us to a conclusion we can trust. Then one day, we reach the bedrock of truth and know it is time to act. We move forward with resolve and confidence. Being decisive, we are content with our decisions and do not second-guess ourselves. The timing of a good decision is just divine.
The Practice of Decisiveness
- I have the courage to decide.
- I have confidence in my choices.
- I am not afraid to act in the moment.
- I take the time I need to discern the wisest path.
- I trust my deepest truth.
- I carry my decisions into action.
Discernment
Discernment is accessing the wisdom of our intuition to discover what is essential and true. Detaching from our desire to rush decisions, or the procrastination in making a needed decision, we seek to distinguish the true from the false, the facts from our assumptions, and then choose the best path. Reflecting in silence creates space for our deepest perceptions. With contemplative vigilance, we open ourselves to clarity. We listen deeply for the true questions, trusting that the answer will unfold and reveal itself when the time is right. We become alert to the messages that come in subtle and surprising ways. We hold decisions lightly until the truth emerges. Discernment empowers us to be guided by grace.
The Practice of Discernment
- I trust my inner vision.
- I seek full information.
- I release the pressure to decide by determination alone.
- I take time for reflection and prayer.
- I hone my intuition.
- I am alert to the signs placed in my path.
- I am open to revelation.
We’d love to hear your thoughts to encourage and support others. Feel free to reply to us any time – you just might make the difference for someone today!
Inspiration to be Bully-Free, Part 8: Faithfulness and Fortitude.
April 15, 2009 | Click Here to View 1 Comment or Post Your Own »
There are some key things that you can do that will give you a foundation of strength to face adversity and challenges. This week is Part 8 of our series on “Inspiration” to help you stop workplace bullying. Its message focuses on the values of Faithfulness and Fortitude.
Faithfulness
Faithfulness is being loyal to our beliefs, remaining firm and steadfast regardless of what happens. When our faith is tested, we stay strong, and learn from the experience. We do our work with meticulous care and excellence, faithful to its true intent. With the people we care, we are abiding and trustworthy. They know we will not abandon them or violate the sacred trust between us. Faithfulness through the changes and tests of time builds stronger relationships with others. As well, being faithful to our own beliefs builds strength. What are your beliefs? Are you living them? Being in alignment with our beliefs can give the added strength we are looking for.
The Practice of Faithfulness
- I am committed to my beliefs.
- I seek the lessons in difficulties.
- I give my work the care it deserves.
- I stand by my friends and loved ones.
- I have abiding relationships.
- I cherish my friendships.
Fortitude
Fortitude is strength of character. It is the will to endure no matter what happens, with courage, confidence, and patience. Fortitude is deeply rooted in the bedrock of our will. We cultivate it by strengthening our resolve to face whatever comes. It springs from devotion to a purpose we believe to be real and important. It grows as we face and overcome insurmountable obstacles. It keeps us going. Our fortitude can astonish us.
The Practice of Fortitude
- I have the will to survive.
- I have the patience to endure.
- I am guided by a clear purpose.
- I know what I care about.
- Whatever life brings makes me stronger.
- I have amazing endurance.
We’d love to hear your thoughts to encourage and support others. Feel free to reply to us any time – you just might make the difference for someone today!
Inspiration to Stop Workplace Bullying and be Bully-Free, Part 7: Independence and Contentment.
April 8, 2009 | Click Here to Post a Comment »
Perception can be deception! A gift you can have right now in terms of handling workplace bullies is to reframe how you might see yourself. Here’s some encouragement for you….
This week is Part 7 of our series on “Inspiration” to help you stop workplace bullying.
This week’s message focuses on the values of Independence and Contentment. These words of wisdom are from the Virtues Project™, http://www.virtuesproject.com
Independence
Independence is confident self-reliance. We have the courage to see reality with our own eyes and not through the eyes of others. We dare to be our true selves. We make decisions without undue influence from others. We responsibly care for ourselves. We enjoy intimacy without enmeshment. We do not depend on another to define our value, or lose ourselves to love. We bring ourselves fully to a relationship yet honour the boundaries that protect each other’s dignity. We stand on our own ground.
The Practice of Independence
- I think for myself.
- I am fully myself.
- I trust my own decisions.
- I enjoy healthy self-care.
- I do not burden my relationships with unrealistic expectations.
- I balance intimacy with self-reliance.
Contentment
Contentment is an awareness of sufficiency, a sense that we have enough and we are enough. It is appreciating the simple gifts of life – friendship, books, a good laugh, a moment of beauty, a cool drink on a hot day. Being contented, we are free from the pull of greed and longing. We trust that life provides what we need when we need it. Contentment allows us to experience satisfaction with what is. We are fully present in this moment. Being contented does not obstruct our dreams or thwart our purpose. It is a place to stand and view the future with a peaceful heart and gratitude for all that is and all that is to come.
The Practice of Contentment
- I allow myself to be satisfied and grateful.
- I trust that I am enough.
- I enjoy where I am and what I have.
- I resist the craving for more.
- I am fully alive to the present moment.
- I relax in the trust that life is good.
We’d love to hear your thoughts to encourage and support others. Feel free to reply to us any time – you just might make the difference for someone today!