Office Gossip, Gone for Good
Welcome to Bully-Free Workplace Monthly. This is the August edition and I’m Valerie Cade, the founder of How to Have a Bully Free Workplace. This month, we are looking at Office Gossip: Gone for Good. I had somebody call me and they were wanting to interview me for bullying. We have written Bully Free At Work which is out in circulation all over the world; and somebody had called and said, “Do you want to comment on office bullying?” And I said, “Well, sure.” So we set up an interview time. But when we got into talking, their topic was office gossip. And they were simply wanting to know how to stop office gossip. As I listened to them I realized – of course, all of us have been victims of office gossip or partook of office gossip. But as we talked, here was the insight: So many people are wounded by office gossip that they want to use the word “bullying” to refer to their actual personal experience because it hurt them so much.
So today we thought we would look at office gossip, how to stop it. But we also have to consider that there’s a certain type of gossip that we call bullying gossip. And we have to remind ourselves that bullying is targeted, repeated, deliberate behavior by someone toward another, a target. So when we look at gossip, it would be targeted, deliberate, repeated behavior toward one person in the office, where there is excessive gossip. And that we have to stop. But I’m also wondering for all of us involved in the workplace, if gossip in general is best to be stopped. I can’t think of one positive aspect of gossip at all.
So gossip affects us all. And because of that, I thought, well today we’re going to do something a little different. At Bully Free Workplace Monthly, we have a staff here, and we thought we’d take 2 people that work with us quite heavily on this project, and ask them to join us today. So today, we have Jon, and we have Sheila. So welcome to the podcast.
Sheila: Hello.
Jon: Hello.
Valerie: So I was thinking, Jon and Sheila, have you ever had an experience in your life, where you were part of office gossip? Just in general.
Sheila: I would say the first one that comes to my mind, was when I was working in a very small government office, and we were wondering whether or not we were going to be shut down. So most of our day was spent pondering whether or not we would still have a job by the end of the month instead of doing the work that we should have been doing. I think that was one occasion that stands out for me.
Valerie: You know, that’s a really good point Sheila, because when we look at WHY things happen, why is it that gossip happens in the first place? One of the reasons is that we are not sure of what’s happening. There’s a lack of clarity. So in the absence of clarity, people start to make up their own agenda and ideas. So that’s almost an innocent way around things. In fact, Jon, you had a comment about gossip in general, whether it’s good or bad.
Jon: Well, yes. I think back to the high school days, or any kind of school day, or any kind of institution that you’ve been in, like a university, and how rumors just spread like wildfire, throughout people. And it always comes back to being a confrontation of somebody, or this big emotional uproar or whatever and ends up a negative thing. But again, it can be good gossip; it can be bad gossip too. There can be different kinds.
Valerie: Weren’t you saying that in anthropology, you had an insight in terms of understanding gossip in general?
Jon: Yeah, I took an anthropology course at class in a university and I remember a prof saying that gossip is actually a natural occurrence for groups to settle differences and problems together. So yeah, it just made me think of that. Having said that, I’m not really too sure about what that means in the office, but as an anthropological term, it meant that people could work out some problems and differences. So, I don’t know if that works.
Valerie: You’re right on there. We all want to work it out, don’t we? I think we all want to work it out. But then when we look at bullying, bullying is when somebody wants to work it out at the expense of somebody else. They don’t have the patience to dialog, to converse, to get arm and arm and work on it together. They want to immediately jump to the end result and have the power for themselves. So, there are lots of reasons why gossip occurs, and Sheila, you highlighted one about when people don’t have the vision or the clarity; they’re going to start talking. And then some brilliant people are going to start making things up, what they might think is happening. So that’s one instance for sure. Have you maybe been working in a workplace and things are going fairly well, the vision actually is fairly clear; but somebody just takes it upon themselves to talk about someone else? It always is an interesting situation when that happens.
Sheila: Well, I have to admit I was in another government office and we were all quite vividly wondering if there was an affair going on between two of our staff members. And so instead of watching what I should have been doing for my job, I admit, I was just watching to see if I could catch any clue, if it was right or wrong, true or not. A lot of us would discuss it over lunch or coffee breaks and so that’s where our energy was going, just trying to figure out what was going on with this. And I have to admit, I felt kind of bad participating, I was putting forth my speculations, just like everybody else; but I didn’t really know how to just NOT talk about it when other people were. I didn’t really know how to just step back and not be part of it.
Valerie: You know, that’s a great point. I think all of us, when we are in a situation and someone else is gossiping, a lot of good people will start to think, “Hmm, this doesn’t feel too good, but I don’t know what to do instead.” And you know, for most people, the fear of rejection outweighs their moral value of “Gee, I better defend that person.” Their own personal fear of rejection will be a higher value for themselves. So, let me ask you this. In life in general, when you’ve seen a great movie, read a great book, or even witnessed somebody’s great character before you, that inspires you. I can count on one hand the number of people in my life that have inspired me by their actions and their character; somebody that’s walked away from situations like this. I bet that everyone here knows what to do when we are a witness to gossip. We probably know what to do; maybe it’s an aspect of the courage to do it. A lot of these things now become courage-based. But let’s just give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe there are some people still wondering, “What is it exactly I can do when gossip occurs?” Well, you know, no matter if the gossip is in general, if it’s actually deliberately targeting an individual; stopping gossip is everybody’s responsibility. So the challenge will be for you to just simply have something to say so that you don’t partake. I could think back myself – I mean, in between writing Bully Free At Work and now, have I been witness to gossip and not stopped it? Yes! So I’m guilty as well. So it’s a matter of having in our minds exactly what we will do when these things occur. For me personally, the best recommendations are… when we are involved in situations like this, we have to ask , “Is there a bit of truth to what’s being said?” Because like Jon is saying, sometimes groups need the opportunity to discuss things, flush things out, so that we can have better understanding and clarity. But if it’s not true; or even if it is true, but it’s going to be hurtful for the person that you’re talking about… Well, tell us, was it true or not, Sheila?
Sheila: It was.
Valerie: It was true?! My goodness! So while we’re trying to figure out these things, we have to make sense of our environment. But even if the gossip is true, do we have the right to be talking about that person while we’re at work? And so, all of us have the responsibility to make sure that we don’t partake in a downward spiral in our culture. The very first thing to ask yourself is, “Is this conversation benefiting that person, and is it benefiting the workplace?” If the answer is no, then we know the response now is to say, “I’m not taking part of this.” But it’s not what you say, it’s…?
Sheila: How you say it.
Valerie: It’s how you say it. So how can we say that? Here are some tips for you. The first thought might be to just look at that person and say, “You know, I think I’ve just got to back away here. I’ll see you later.” Now, you don’t have to say a lot. You don’t even have to hand them the cannonball. But let’s start practicing walking away. That’s the very first step, because I know it will take a tremendous amount of courage for some of you to simply just walk away. So you would then say, “You know what, I think I’ve got to leave.” Or “You know, that might be true, but I don’t think talking about it will help.”
Jon: I’m just going to add, one of the things that I say if I hear something like a rumor about somebody is “Oh, I don’t really want to talk about people behind their backs.”
Valerie: Oh, even better Jon! So, going up a notch here – this will be the Super Deluxe model – is just to say what Jon is saying, “You know, I don’t want to talk about somebody behind their backs.”
That’s a very good declarative statement. Now let’s look at if somebody is actually being bullied, because that’s what this is all about. If someone is being bullied and gossip is occurring, and you know it’s not true or is very, very hurtful, just remember – to stand up to that person. We are all looking for heroes in the workplace. Your Maker will never be upset with you for standing up for something that’s moral and just. So if you can do that – and I believe you can – experiment with that. Now here’s a little tip in addition to that. Take your best friend at work and discuss this and say, “You know, next time we hear this gossip, I think it would be good for us both to walk away. Are you with me?” Start pairing up with people and getting a group going, so that you can actually collectively walk away. You see, the bully is out to destroy, to take control over. Often they are so loud and obnoxious, and so self-convicted, that if one person walking away while nine people keep standing there, he or she still has an audience. But if you actually have a certain way of collectively handling this – that you actually walk away – now what will the bully do? They will not have an audience. What do you think of that?
Sheila: Yes, I think that would be a lot more of a statement, because if they’
re doing it to try and gain the upper hand, it takes that away from them.
Valerie: Exactly. So again, just for clarification… Bullying is repeated, deliberate, targeted behavior that is negative, that is very hurtful, that is destructive, toward an individual. And so we must all stand up for stopping bullying. And bully gossip is part of the bullying aspect. A lot of managers will ask, “Well, what can I do to stop gossiping?” It always occurs to me to say to them, “You know, you are the manager. You have been given the authority over these people. Do not underestimate the value of having that authority.” Sometimes we go into management and we are more concerned about being liked than we are being respected. So it is within your power to actually stand up for this. I will give you an example about how you can do this, if you’re a manager out there. Even if you’re not a manager, you might want to take some notes or share this message with your manager, and say, “You know I wouldn’t mind your opinion on this.” Here are the things that you could do. First, you want to say, “What kind of culture do we want to have?” So if you’re in a staff meeting, and you’ve got a few people around, the manager could say, “You know, it occurred to me, I want to make sure that we have the best environment possible in which to work. And so I want to ask you, if you could choose 3 words to describe the culture you want to work in, what would those 3 words be?” Give people enough time to write those 3, and make a list on a flipchart; most people will put positive things down. Then the next question you would ask them is, “What is it that could destroy our culture? It might be something that hasn’t happened or it could be something that is happening. What would you like to see stopped?” Sometimes people don’t feel comfortable putting their hand up, so you could have them write it on a piece of paper, hand it to the front, and then write it on a flipchart. Boy, if you could put down gossiping, that would be great. I mean, all workplaces suffer from this to some degree. So you’ll look at this list of things you want to stop, and ask the group, “Well, what would be one you want to concentrate on right now?” Let’s say they choose to stop gossip. Then you ask your group, “Well, what do you think we should do?” I’m a big fan of the fact that people probably know what to do; they just need to be held accountable to it. So managers, your job is to be the conductor, the orchestra leader here. And you’re going to take all the musicians, your employees, and you want to make music, not heavy metal. You have that power, as a boss, a manager, a leader. Manager, supervisor, or boss, you have that authority.
I guess the other point here is everybody can be a leader. Our book, Bully Free At Work, is an electronic book as a lot of people have found great value in being able to download and read this book immediately. Most people, when they have a problem, want to find out the solutions right away. In our book, we have 21 assessment tools in terms of assessing bullying, assessing where you’re at, how you can cope; different things like that. But with all of the tools there, and all the information, one thing is clear: we are all leaders. And it takes personal leadership to take responsibility for stopping bullying for everybody, and personal responsibility and leadership to actually take care of yourself.
So we’re going to close by looking at what we can do to take care of ourselves. If you’re a victim of bullying right now – let’s say it’s quite severe – and there’s just nobody on your side. That’s where we come to bully proofing yourself. And I don’t know if anybody here has been a victim of severe gossip, where it’s just simply not true, it’s very hurtful, and it keeps happening. That would be bullying gossip. First thing is, really ask yourself, “Is this true? Yes or no?” And if it’s no, remind yourself that this says a lot more about the bully than it does about you. Eleanor Roosevelt said that, “Nobody will make me feel inferior without my permission.” Now, that sounds really easy to say;, but really meditate, pray on that, just understand that that’s Job One. Secondly, unless everybody groups together to stop office gossip, or office bullying, a lot of times this behavior won’t stop. So ask for help. Go to the best friend that you have at work, and share with them, “Can you help me with this? Can you stand with me? Can you walk away when we hear this gossip? Can you walk away when you hear the negativity? Can you walk with me?” Wouldn’t it be interesting if everybody could just walk with one person? I think you’d have a better sleep at night. That’s our responsibility.
So for this edition of Bully-Free Workplace Monthly, we just want to leave you with one piece of information. There are so many ways we can conduct ourselves at work. We are either the one being bullied, or we are doing the bullying, or we’re the bystander. 80-90% of us will be the bystander. Bystanders, you have a job and a responsibility to stop bullying and gossip, just like everybody else. It’s not somebody else’s challenge or problem. You can partake. And just know when you do stand with somebody, that you are making a difference, even if it’s just one person. If in the past, like Sheila was saying, I think we all have partaken in this office gossip and we start contributing to it. Forgive yourself for that, draw the line in the sand; but what will you start doing tomorrow – maybe even today – to actually stop office gossip and office bullying? So this has been a good edition of Bully-Free Workplace Monthly. If you’re ever wanting to contact us, our email is info(at)howtohaveabullyfreeworkplace(dot)com. Email us anytime. We get many emails a month in our surveys communicating with us, from people all over the world. We want you to know that you do have a voice with us. If there’s a concern, a challenge that you want to share with us, we are here. Our mission and our vision, is to be the voice for those being bullied in the workplace, and actually contribute to a methodology to stop workplace bullying. Thank you for listening. Check us out at www.howtohaveabullyfreeworkplace.com. We’d love to hear from you, and together we can do this.
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