The 12 Steps To Make It Through Christmas If You Are Being Bullied
By admin | December 23, 2009
Many of you may have some holidays over the next few weeks and while you will be away from work, I realize for many of you that you may just take the time to ‘think more’ about your bullying situation at work. While we’ve been blessed with the ability to think and reason, let me give you The 12 Steps To Make it Through Christmas if You are Being Bullied to ensure your thoughts are working for you; after all, you deserve to enjoy the holidays too.
Step 1: Realize if you are feeling ‘less than’ with regard to your workplace bullying situation, that it will help you to admit to being bullied. Admission is the first step to your independence. “I admit, this is a workplace bullying situation.”
Step 2: Remember it is natural to want to connect with everyone; and it is important to have a boundary with a bully. Lower your expectations for connecting with a bully.
Old Thought: “Well, if I just smile and come in a little earlier, maybe they’ll come around.”
New Thought: “I admit this person is a bully and no matter what behavior change I make, the bully will not ‘come around’. I cannot control the bully’s behavior change, so I will not expect one.”
Step 3: Keep a list of all of the hurtful situations with regard to the bully. Re-read this when you start to think ‘He didn’t mean it; I think things will come around’. Remember your wonderful heart has a tendency to create an illusion; it is called humanity and it works great for almost anyone else…except bullies.
Step 4: If you feel it is too hard to shut the bully out, counter-act this behavior and instead deposit into someone else’s life. While doing so, you will gain the connection you are looking for and you may even get a connection back!
Step 5: Schedule in your daytimer: time off from thinking about the bully. Start with small amounts of time and go for the ‘many day plan’ if you can. Everything needs a break. The tide comes in, the tide goes out. We have 4 seasons. We sleep, we awake. We think about the bully, we need to take a break from thinking about the bully.
Step 6: Decide your day. Have something scheduled every day for your enjoyment. Many people forget what it is that has created happiness for them. I decided to rent as many Walt Disney movies as I can over the holidays. I forgot how much I enjoyed these movies! What might you do? Try a baby step…
Step 7: Lavender Oil. This oil was created to ‘calm the senses’ and reduce stress. Did you know that smell is the most powerful force? Why not get it working for you? What other smells could you create? Popcorn? The smell of making a favorite dish?
Step 8: Know you didn’t cause the bully to behave this way. Nothing you did has caused the bully to behave this way to you. What you can control is how you think about the bully’s behavior. Know you didn’t create it.
Step 9: Be aware of the bully’s traps they create in order to get you ‘thinking and doubting’. Did you know most bullies do not take personal responsibility for their behavior? They will use blame, guilt, ‘you should’, hurt emotions of ‘what you did to cause them pain’, etc. Anyone speaking like this is trying to get you to take ownership for their pain. If you own it, they win. You do not have to own it. Be clear on what is true for you and be ok if you think differently than the bully. You are allowed your own truth.
Step 10: Resist the need to be understood by the bully. It won’t happen. They do not have the capacity. If you find yourself ‘thinking things through over and over again’, this is called self-doubt. Once is okay in order to assess where you are at and what you are dealing with. More than that, you would benefit once again from knowing the bully is simply incapable; you didn’t cause it and you cannot control it.
Step 11: Weeds or seeds? Weeds: your thoughts about the bully over and over again (yes, it is good to process things, but it is also good to take a break). Now, with your break, could you plant a seed? In good soil? What does this mean? What are some things you’d like to do in the next year? Maybe it is something simple such as going for a walk in a certain park. Maybe it is finally searching out Emotions Anonymous and seeing if this support group might just be able to give you the hope and encouragement you need.
Step 12: Know you are not alone. Sometimes hearing this can make all the difference in the world. I just want to say to every one of you reading from all over the world in over 100 countries now: thank you for caring enough. Know that you are good. Know that you have a wonderful heart and even though you might be suffering now, this will not last forever. Stay plugged in and know we are in your corner.
PS: Sometimes it only takes one ounce of encouragement to keep shining. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas and good holiday season from everyone at Bully Free at Work. The past does not equal the future. May your path in 2010 be protected.
Topics: Tips | 21 Comments »
December 23rd, 2009 at 9:51 am
This was a very encouraging post. Thank you so much for sharing this during these pre-holiday times. Very much needed this encouragement.
Happy Holidays and a Happy Healthy New Year to All
Marc
December 23rd, 2009 at 10:30 am
Dear Valerie,
Thanks so much for these 12 steps to make it through Christmas. It seems the Holidays can make caring for others so much more riskier. Your constant support and investment in your readers throughout the year gives me a happy connection. It truly helps me to stay sane and confident through it all. Happy Holidays! -T H
December 23rd, 2009 at 10:31 am
Thanks for the tips. Merry Christmas.
December 23rd, 2009 at 11:23 am
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this website and all the hard work you do to help others. Merry Christmas to *me* because, after almost 2-1/2 years of working for an organization where devaluation, manipulation, and negative control tactics are rampant – i.e. Bullying – through your support, Valerie, I have resigned! Yesterday was my last day – I start a new job (with much better pay and benefits!) next Monday – and I am confident that this is a much healthier organization. I did my homework and talked to many of their employees, and they are HAPPY and have only good things to say about this workplace. So – to those of you who are still struggling to get free from a situation that you know is bad for you – keep reading Valerie’s posts and know that you can get free, too! Happy Holidays to all of you – Carelyn
December 23rd, 2009 at 11:32 am
Fantastic news Carelyn! Yes, it is good to know we do have some choices and choosing to work in a healthy work environment is certainly a good choice. Thank you for inspiring others who may not have gotten to this point (yet).
Sincerely,
Val
December 23rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Thank you for the encouragement. This column is really helpful.
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:55 pm
What a blessing to have you in our lives,Valerie. Wish I had found you many years ago, and wish I could get the word to EVERYBODY on the planet who is being bullied. Your books and emails are the lifeblood for many people. Thank you for your marvelous tips and info, and for “being in our corner.” I look forward to evey email. Thanks to you I am ready for the next bullying incident should someone be foolish enough to cross my path in that manner!
December 23rd, 2009 at 3:23 pm
What if the bully is a family member?
December 23rd, 2009 at 4:19 pm
thank you indeed for this post
i just had the first bully in my life just come back into it and may i say with all the tools i have received from you i know how to deal with the situation. i took a few days from work so i wouldnt have to deal with the bully there and now i have to avoid this family member who is well described in step 9 i know i have grow so much. its only this year i learned about this after 9 years and more of it
thank you and may God richly bless you and yours and may your christmas be a bright and beautiful and you have made mine
December 23rd, 2009 at 6:07 pm
I too suffer from bullying at home, sometimes it is not so simple to shut it out, or to escape, what advice do you have for me ?
December 23rd, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Many have asked ‘what can I do about the workplace bullying’? Our web site has over 200 articles and our book, Bully Free at Work which you can order off the web site is a systematic approach to tackling your bullying situation. A system is most helpful when faced with a lot of stress and emotion.
December 24th, 2009 at 1:05 am
I Like to always read your e-mails which they help me most of the time,its wors this one as i’m the one who is under this bullying stuation,and i realy don’t know how to stop it i’m trying to ignore what ever this lady is doing to me and i get no choice sometimes,but to read your articles take me to another part of the world,and i would like to have more advise from you as to stop working in this company i have got no choice, as i’m single mother and the jobs are not easy on these days but what happening to me its too much
December 24th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Very good advice. I realize I can’t pine over getting any acceptance from the bully. I come and I do what is expected of me as far as the work goes. Yesterday I sent a rough draft of a flyer over to my boss to make whatever changes she needed to make with an attitude that if she don’t like it she could do it herself. For once I didn’t break out into a cold sweat over it. She made the necessary changes on the rough draft and gave it back with no problem and I made the necessary changes and emailed or faxed it out to the recipients. done deal. I feel I acted professionally about it.
December 24th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Valerie,
Thankyou for this post.I just left a job where my boss was a bully, and I was blaming myself, just reading this has helped so much. Have a merry christmas!
December 25th, 2009 at 3:52 am
Valuable thoughts and advices. I read your topic with great interest.
December 27th, 2009 at 3:28 am
I added your blog to bookmarks. And i’ll read your articles more often!
December 27th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Valerie, congratulations on a succesful project with great ideas. May next year keep bringing you even more success in helping otherwise defenseless people.
December 29th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Thank you so much for the 12 points. For me the one that rang true was to keep a list of behaviours I have witnessed to remind me that they are part of a pattern.
December 29th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Admin~
Please answer the previous questions on dealing with bullies inside the home.
I appreciate so much on the tips how to deal at work, but what about when those have to go from bullying at work, then to bullying at home as well. It is undeniably more intimate.
December 29th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Very interesting and amusing subject. I read with great pleasure.
December 29th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Yes, there are similarities between bullying at home and at work. It is power over. At home it is called abuse and at work one is called a target. At work there are other aspects to possibly draw upon such as policies and mandates, however, most of the time these are not enforced. I am not sure if you have had a chance to read our book: “Bully Free at Work” which can be bought on our web site? The ‘why the bully is a bully’ is the same and it can be very helpful as are the tips in how to handle a bully. The only difference is at home, one is manly left on their own to deal with matters. I’d recommend going through he book for anyone experiencing bullying at home or at work as it is a step by step process to take you through the realization, and the next steps of what to do. Hopefully that helps. Remember, bullying says more about the bully than the target. It is never the target’s fault as there is no excuse for rudeness and bullying is: repeated, disrespectful deliberate behavior toward another. If this behavior is deliberate, then it could be abuse/bullying. Best to you in your next steps…