Bullies at Work? Stop Bullying in the Workplace with the Bully Free at Work Blog

Welcome to Bully Free at Work: The BLOG
Dedicated to Stopping Workplace Bullying

Bullying in the Workplace occurs in every country in the world. For targets who experience Bullying at Work - my desire is to give you the very best tools and strategies to regain the confidence and respect that you deserve. And for managers and supervisors, it is my aspiration to give you the finest leadership support to create a healthy respectful workplace.

Stopping Workplace Bullying is everyone's responsibility - consider Bully Free at Work your go-to resource that will inspire, inform and allow you to implement well researched solutions that you can count on. Period.

We're in your corner,

Valerie Cade, Founder
Bully Free at Work

What Does It Really Take to Stop Workplace Bullying?

July 21, 2010 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

Tackling workplace bullying involves many levels. Many think a one day seminar for employees will stop workplace bullying. While education is empowerment, more power is created when leadership supports and aligns with this education. Here are some simple (maybe not so easy) steps any leader can take in order to minimize the impact of workplace bullying.

The Situation:
A workplace is not ‘respectful’ just because there are posters declaring “We Respect our Employees” or “We Do Not Tolerate Disrespect”. Bottom line, the employees get to decide if the atmosphere at work is ‘respectful’.

Leaders: I encourage you to ask each employee: “What can I do to help you experience our workplace as respectful?” or ask them to rate their workplace environment on a scale of 1-5 with 5 being ‘excellent’. Anything less than a ‘5’, ask “What could make it a ‘5’”?

Employees will provide valid feedback and some will have a disposition of entitlement. Either way, you will want to know where each employee stands. If an employee feels like a ‘3’ out of ‘5’ at work, many (minus the superstar employees) will give at a ‘3’ level as well. Most people give what they get.

The Top 3 Things Leaders Can Do to Minimize the Impact of a Disrespectful Workplace:

Appreciation: When is the last time you ‘noticed’ each of your employees doing something well? Sincere appreciation of a job well done or effort is the number one motivator for employees. In its absence, it becomes a de-motivator. A leader’s job is to be able to notice the ‘good things’ and acknowledge and encourage these attributes. What gets rewarded gets repeated! PS: Don’t get caught ‘holding back appreciation’ because there is something you do not ‘like’ about this employee. By letting this mindset be your looking glass, you will never create the productivity and output from this employee. In fact, withholding praise and appreciation in cases like this is a form of bullying. It is deliberate, disrespectful and repeated. Leaders: you have the power to turn this around today. What can you notice and appreciate today?
Being Treated as an Insider: Remember when you were old enough and your parents shared ‘adult information’ with you such as finances, a worry, even asked your opinion? This works with employees too. Many leaders feel they need to be on top and that means not disclosing information. Some leaders hold back needed information as ‘information is power’. Great leaders share even incomplete information and take steps to involve employees in decision making. A favorite phrase I like to use with my employees is: “Well, what do you think?” or “What do you think of…?”. Leaving employees on the outside creates more of a division. Look for opportunities to share information earlier, even asking employees for their opinions. It is ok to show you are ‘not too sure’ or ‘struggling’; in fact, some employees will seek to help you solve problems and even be on your side. PS: Asking for input/help does not mean you are less of a leader!
Empathy for Problems: It has been said many times that the number one thing we can do for another’s growth is to show compassion. Compassion is passionate caring. It is sincere, and the other person feels supported. Employees will have work problems, and problems at home and in life too. Sticking to ‘business’ only is a sure way to distance yourself from employee loyalty. Many times an employee might be ‘acting out’ or mildly aggressive due to work demands or personal demands. Reprimanding is not your first course of action. Leaders should always remain curious to an employee’s situation and do some digging. Creating an empathetic understanding for an employee’s situation of stress is the first step to gaining back the employee’s best efforts. I’m not saying to excuse certain behaviors; but changing them involves empathy and understanding on the leader’s part. PS: Discipline without relationship is a dictatorship. Develop a relationship of caring and concern for your employees. The more you develop this, the more mileage you will have out of corrective action.

To the Leaders: Leaders, I know your desire is to ‘get things done’ with minimal distraction and interference. Employee loyalty only works with a disposition of caring, empathy and your appreciation of each employee. If you do not have this with certain employees, then do what it takes to identify what you want changed in order to create a ‘servant leader’ disposition. It’s the loyalty equation.

To the Employees: Many times your boss may not have had the leadership training in order to lead you well. In addition, employees often do not have an idea of the pressures their boss may carry. If you find yourself in a situation where you believe your boss is not treating you well, then be sure to read next week’s tip!

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Valerie Cade, CSP is a Workplace Bullying Expert, Speaker and Author of “Bully Free at Work: What You Can Do To Stop Workplace Bullying Now” which has been distributed in over 100 countries worldwide. Feel free to contact Valerie to speak for your organization: Val@BullyFreeAtWork.com

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© Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved: All trademarks used or referred to on this site are the property of their respective owners. No materials on this site may be reproduced, altered, or further distributed without Bully Free at Work’s prior written permission.

Short Simple Come-Backs to Use With Workplace Bullies

July 14, 2010 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

Oprah has re-runs, and now so does Bully Free at Work! After 5 years and over 250 weekly messages, we wanted to share with you our top weekly message of all time: “Short Simple Come-Backs to Use With Workplace Bullies”.

You’ve mustered the courage to say something. You think “I have finally stood up to the workplace bully”, and when you do, they have a harsh come-back. Are you ready?

Be prepared – there will most likely be a come-back from most workplace bullies when they are confronted. Remember, they do not care, and they are often not aware. Also remember, if they operated from a secure base of high self esteem, they would usually naturally reach out to your statements with concern and compassion. Remember who you are dealing with.

You’ve said something…
There’s a come-back… (denial, counter-attack, victimhood)
Now it’s your turn!

And you can use this short simple approach with all workplace bullies.

Less Is More.

Here are three “Less Is More” short simple come-backs to help you deal with situations with office bullies.

Workplace bullies who talk on and on, pressuring you to agree with them. You feel you have to say something, but you don’t want to give your power away by showing you agree. Less is More: Say “Interesting” or “Oh”. This does not commit you!
Workplace bullies who are rude with sarcasm, put downs or back-handed statements that are not necessarily direct, but harmfully subtle. You want to address it, so you say “That seems direct” or “That seems harsh” or “That seems like a put-down to me”. The concept of using “That seems…” highlights your perception only, and it is enough of a diffusing comment to confuse the power plan of most workplace bullies.
Sometimes we feel we have to have a come-back in order to be powerful. Be silent and just stare back with confidence. This is the position that “that come-back doesn’t even deserve an acknowledgment”.

Valerie Cade, CSP is a Workplace Bullying Expert, Speaker and Author of “Bully Free at Work: What You Can Do To Stop Workplace Bullying Now” which has been distributed in over 100 countries worldwide. Feel free to contact Valerie to speak for your organization to inspire your organization to create a respectful workplace, to inform your people about workplace bullying and what they can do or to implement a workplace bullying policy that works. You have permission to use the above article in your newsletter, publication or email system. We ask you not to edit the content and that you leave the links and resource box intact.

© Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved: All trademarks used or referred to on this site are the property of their respective owners. No materials on this site may be reproduced, altered, or further distributed without Bully Free at Work’s prior written permission.

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10 Point Assessment: What is Respect? Curbing Bullying Behavior

July 7, 2010 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

What is Respect? Curbing Bullying Behavior

We are hired at work to produce results. There are many ways to produce many types of results, yet very often it is this confusion about “the way” which is not clearly defined, articulated and explained. Clarity assists with accountability.

Consider This:

An organization’s purpose is to get a result; ultimately commerce is involved at some level, thus “cutting costs” and “making profits” are part of any business.
To attract and develop trust with customers and staff, an organization will post a Vision, Mission and Values (the “why” the organization will conduct its behavior).
One of the top values organizations list today is the word Respect.
One of the top sources of employee dissatisfaction is experiencing what they would call “a lack of respect”.
There is a gap between saying an organization “respects one another”, and ensuring that if employees experience disrespect, there is an accountability system to address, correct, and continue.

So Let’s Be Clear… What is Respect?

Take our Workplace Bullying Respect Assessment to find out!

The Attitude of Respect: Rate yourself and your team on a scale of 5 – 1 (5 = Excellent, 1 = poor) on giving or receiving respect in the following situations:

Honoring each other as valuable.
Treating others with dignity.
Communicating to include, not exclude or control.
To be heard by another (seeking to understand) and to respond with courtesy and curiousity.
Acknowledging thoughts and feelings; not discounting, blaming or forcing to comply, but to be received as real.
Asking; not ordering, yelling at or swearing.
Providing clear and informative answers to questions that are legitimately your business.
Knowing the right to receive encouragement and support (rapport is caring, “report only” is no relationship).
Speaking of others positively.
Seeking to connect and build communication for both parties, as opposed to positioning for control.

Remember, part of the workplace bullying cycle is for the bully to confuse and thus have control over the target.

Respectful workplace relationships occur best when both parties agree the relationship is respectful.

Do You Believe In People In A Respectful Way?

Your beliefs become your thoughts.

Your thoughts become your words.

Your words become your actions.

Your actions become your habits.

Your habits become your values.

Your values become your destiny.

– Mahatma Gandhi

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Bullying Tactics: Silence and Violence

June 30, 2010 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

Can you recall having a wonderful 2-way conversation with someone? Yes? Good. Remember that it is possible. This memory, or anchor, can serve as your reality check when you are faced with having to converse with a difficult workplace bully and you just can’t seem to connect.

Do You?

Wonder why the bully is not “hearing you”?
Doubt yourself, thinking “what could I do to get this person to hear and acknowledge me?”.
Analyze your conversation, scanning for more clues as to what you could do to turn things around?

Well, Here’s What You Can Do:
Ask yourself: “Is this a respectful exchange where both parties are curious, keen, and looking to connect for a win-win relationship? If not, identify if the other party is using Silence or Violence in order to disconnect from a win-win.

Silence:
Types: Withholding, avoiding, withdrawing, masking.
What Is It? Not contributing is a means of control over a target.

Violence:
Types: Threatening, attacking, name-calling, not let you finish your statement.
What Is It? Direct and overbearing communication toward a target designed to get the target to back down or feel “less than” in order to gain control.

Learning to identify these behaviors is key to empowering yourself. Remember NAMING what is happening is crucial to putting a healthy boundary between you and the bully.

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How the Bully Avoids Accountability to a Workplace Bullying Policy

June 15, 2010 | Click Here to View 3 Comments or Post Your Own »

Workplace bullying occurs because it can. Simply put, it takes a village to raise a child; it also takes a village to support the interests of its players. The question then becomes, what game are you playing? A company or organization exists to make a profit and to attain results. To the employer, a workplace bullying incident ‘takes time and energy away from profits and results’ in the short term. Companies and organizations that have long term vision value people before profits, and thus the benefit in addressing workplace bullying situations.

I have been interviewed many times this week with regard to Ontario, Canada’s new Bill 168 becoming legislation just yesterday. The question that I have received the most has been: “Will this new Bill help stop workplace bullying”? My response as noted in the Globe and Mail was that any law is only as good as the leadership support around it.

Even if a company or organization has a workplace bullying policy, the bully will still have tactics to move around such guidelines, so leaders and targets must be aware and plan not to be out-smarted by the bully.

1. With much of the legislation, there is no documentation outlining the consequences of workplace bullying behavior. For this reason, it is easier to get rid of targets than to support them. (Often the target waits to take action internally and by this time, they are too ill to take legal action. Also quite possibly they are facing job loss and financial ruin due to their state of mind).

2. Bullies are adept at deception, especially the manipulation of HR and management’s perceptions of their target. They will often appear confident, in control and capable, even charming. This is an illusion and a front which employers often fail to see beyond.

3. Many times an employer’s main concern is profit and productivity, and if a case looks ‘overwhelming’ and ‘hard to solve easily’ then no one seems to own the problem unless the target keeps pressing in with resources and support they often do not have. The case is dragged out and is only closed due to the exhaustion of the target.

4. Bullies have often made friends and alliances with senior management and are thus protected when a case comes about. The bully is given more room and support as a result of their connections above.

5. Employers are frightened of the legal action by both the target and the bully! Who do you think would have more resources? The larger employers have unlimited resources when it comes to engaging legal representation to defend a case against a target’s claim. The bully is protected once again as it is not ‘great press’ to have a workplace bullying issue out of hand and noted in the media (even though the target might be justified by their case, the organization will do what it can to defend their organization’s name).

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Did You Know?

Bill 168 was enacted in Ontario, Canada just yesterday. What are your thoughts on this bill? Do you feel more protected? What needs to happen? Let us know by replying!
Bully Free at Work will be creating a video blog later this summer. Let us know your thoughts on receiving a short video message as a result of our weekly tip series!

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6. The bully will often gather others to be on their side, either by direct force or by being so powerful it keeps others silent from supporting the target. HR and senior management can be fooled into believing ‘this is only in the target’s mind’ and be swept up into thinking it sure would be easier to remove the now unproductive target then deal with this issue.

7. The bully is often a high producer by their striving nature. Why would an organization let someone like this go?

8. The senior management and HR who are approached find it easier to subscribe to ‘shooting the messenger’.

9. HR, unions and senior managers are not trained or rewarded for dealing with workplace bullying issues so why would they seek them out? It takes time away from productivity; and in addition, it can be exhausting to try and solve a problem you have very few skills or authority to address. What gets rewarded gets repeated: profits and productivity are rewarded in most organizations, not more intangible factors to success such as team morale, dealing with and solving issues etc.

10. No one ‘owns’ the problem. Stopping workplace bullying must be the responsibility of everyone in an organization. The target must keep an accurate log of repeated events to support their case in order to avoid a ‘tail wagging the dog’ complaint structure many organizations are afraid of. The senior management must first believe in people, then profits when it comes to workplace bullying situations and put proper resources into standing behind this belief. Training for managers on how to support targets as well as accountability skills for the entire organization in order to hold the bully accountable are necessary steps in this process. The bully will never be accountable; they will only adhere to consequences put forth by those who can enforce the consequences.

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The Top 10 Reasons Why the HR Process ‘Might Not Be Working for You’

June 8, 2010 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

If an organization does have a workplace bullying process which employees can use, does it even work? Like any movement of change in society, we must start with awareness; once aware, then effective leadership is required to create the change. You cannot change what you do not acknowledge; you cannot lead without authority. Human resource professionals, often the ‘go-to’ department for workplace bullying complaints, are often held responsible for handling employee grievances. Why are only 8% of employees using a grievance process?

1. Human resource professionals are often not responsible for protecting the workplace culture, meaning if the culture goes unprotected, they often have their hands tied and they cannot affect true systemic change from where they reside in the company.

2. Human resource professionals are not trained in dealing with workplace bullying from an organizational management standpoint.

3. In addition, Human Resources are often not even trained or have the time to assist employees with coping skills to handle workplace bullying situations.

4. If HR does have the workplace bullying coping skills to transfer to employees, then an additional challenge pops up: HR has very little authority over the target’s boss (80% of bullying occurs with one’s boss) in order to support the target by trying to stage a conflict resolution or intervention.

5. Let’s face it, when it comes down to where to put one’s energy, HR does not report to the employees like an elected official would report to their ‘people’. The role of HR is to keep the employer out of court.

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Did You Know?

You can begin to help co-workers and HR become more familiar with workplace bullying issues by suggesting the 5 Day Bully Free at Work E-Course. Feel free to pass along this free resource so the awareness can foster at every level.

To receive your Free 5-Day Bully Free at Work E-Course to help you stop workplace bullying, click here.

Do you want a tip to know how to suggest the 5 Day Bully Free at Work E-Course to your co-workers and managers? Check out Valerie’s video clip to help you out called: “How Can I Get Them to Listen”? Click here!

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6. The organization does not have a workplace bullying policy so it’s not a disciplinary issue, and one cannot hold the bully accountable to an agreed upon standard or code of conduct.

7. Once the case finally gets attention, HR meets both the bully and the target. The bully comes across as capable and charming and the target has been worn down by the exhaustion and might display behavior that is unconvincing, inarticulate, and ‘overly’ emotional. The bully will position the target as ‘weak’ and therefore the target might now be seen as a liability. HR, wanting to move through the case, might dismiss the target’s needs altogether.

8. The bully is a high producer and getting rid of the bully seems harder than getting rid of or moving someone who is now appearing ‘less productive’ due to the added stress. Bottom line, the bully stays.

9. Even if someone did have the full authority to deal with workplace bullying and take measures to stop it, most HR departments and managers are not trained to know what to do, systemically (what the organization can do) as well as coaching on coping skills. (For a 1:1 session with Valerie to help you help your organization stop workplace bullying
click here to set up an appointment time).

10. Workplace bullying cases are often drawn out, exhausting and so complex that many HR professionals don’t have the ‘extra’ time, stamina or proper resources to manage the situation effectively. Many HR professionals do care; in fact, some are even being bullied too. Be sure to check out “What Employers Can Do” in pages 209-222 of Bully Free at Work to help you craft a workplace bullying policy that works.

And for Next Week:
How the Bully Avoids Accountability to a Workplace Bullying Policy

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10 One-Liners You Can Say to Gain Back Control from the Bully!

June 1, 2010 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

Can coping with a workplace bully be as simple as uttering a ‘one-line’ comment? Let me ask you this: What’s the alternative? To try and explain yourself will only invite the bully to deny, counter-attack and then play the victim.

The key is to not give the bully more ammunition; they will only use it against you. If you find yourself being targeted by a workplace bully’s verbal abuse, then considering going with the notion of ‘less is more’ (and also knowing that sometimes saying more will get you less) is a very powerful technique you can use right now and it will save you energy too! For the ‘Top 21 Tips to Help You Cope with Workplace Bullying’ check out page 181 in Bully Free at Work.

1. When the bully is ‘going on and on’ about something: Say: “Interesting…” and leave it at that.

2. When the bully demands your time and you don’t want to give your time: Say “I’m just in the middle of something.” (Hey, you’re always in the middle of something, even if it’s your couch!)

3. When the bully challenges you on your attitude: Say: “I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.”

4. When the bully says, “I was only joking”: Say: “It’s only a joke if we’re both laughing.”

5. When the bully is going on and on about something and you don’t want to commit, get into a dialogue or get into an argument: Say: “Thanks for sharing.”

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Did You Know?

Want to see Valerie’s video clip on ‘What is Workplace Bullying’? Click here and share it with your co-workers!
You can purchase “Win-Win Assertiveness: How to get what you want, not at the expense of yourself or others” which has been our number one selling CD album complete with workbook. Click here to order.

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Now, Five More One-Liners You Can Use!

6. Just because you share your concerns with a bully does not mean they will be accountable to your wishes! To start nailing down an agreement after you’ve spoken: Say: “Just so I’m clear, our agreement is…” (For more on how to hold the bully accountable check out page 170 in Bully Free at Work)!

7. Interrupted by the bully? Say: “Oh, excuse me I wasn’t finished yet.”

8. If the bully is pressuring you to agree and you don’t agree: Say: “I see…”

9. When the bully keeps pushing you for an answer and you don’t think they are right: Say, “You might be right.”

10. Silence and a stare with confidence can often say more than any attempt to ‘explain’ to be understood.

Next week by request! ‘The Top 10 Reasons Why the HR Process ‘Might Not Be Working for You’

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10 Tips to Overcome Procrastination in Dealing with the Bully!

May 25, 2010 | Click Here to Post a Comment »

Some people (most) would rather stick a fork in their eye than address something very difficult such as how to handle a workplace bully. Sometimes it can seem impossible and hope fades.

Here’s What Happens:

The bully upsets you.
There is increased stress, perhaps loss of productivity and an increase of personal self-doubt causing frustration for you.
You start to search out ‘what to do’ and it seems difficult, overwhelming or challenging. You feel ‘this is too big to handle’.
You start to ignore, minimize or get distracted about the bullying problem.
You feel that ‘this is too big to handle’ and you start to develop excuses as to why you are unable, incapable or not equipped to move through the situation.

Procrastination refers to the counterproductive deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. It’s a mechanism for coping with anxiety associated with starting or completing a task or decision.

1. The relaxed type of procrastinators view their responsibilities negatively and avoid them by directing energy into other tasks. It is a form of denial or cover-up; therefore, typically no help is being sought. Furthermore, they are also unable to defer gratification. They avoid situations that would cause displeasure, indulging instead in more enjoyable activities.

“If you have to swallow two frogs, swallow the biggest one first!”

2. Tense-afraid procrastinators usually feel overwhelmed with pressure, unrealistic about time, uncertain about goals, and many other negative feelings. They feel a sense of malaise. Feeling that they lack the ability or focus to successfully complete a task, they tell themselves “I need to unwind and relax. It’s better to take it easy for the afternoon, and start anew later”. Their ‘relaxing’ is often temporary and ineffective, and leads to more stress as time runs out, deadlines approach and the person feels increasingly guilty and apprehensive. This behavior becomes a cycle of failure and delay, as plans and goals are put off and re-scheduled. Since they are uncertain about their goals, they often feel awkward with people who appear confident and goal-oriented, which can lead to depression. They withdraw from social life, avoiding contact even with close friends.

“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.”

3. Once you decide the overall task you need to complete, (ie) address the bully, keep a log (page 99 in Bully Free at Work) then, stop thinking about the BIG task and break it down into step-by-step smaller tasks. Becoming overwhelmed can be an denial technique.

“I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!” -Sam Levenson

4. Focus on a small component of the task that you know you can achieve. Choose either by priority or by desire. Getting one small achievement under your belt moves you in the right direction.

“When there is a hill to climb, don’t think that waiting will make it smaller.”

5. Ask yourself, “Can I work on this task without being distracted for 1 hour?” (The answer is yes! In fact try it first for 15 minutes, then 30…). Keeping your commitment to yourself to ‘deal with this’ is another step in confidence building.

“Never put off tomorrow what you can do today.” – J. A. Spender

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For You This Week

Yes! I’d like to order “Bully Free at Work” on DVD! Click here to order
Get your FREE copy of “The Top 39 Tips You Need To Know About Workplace Bullying”! Click here to download

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Let’s Not Procrastinate: Back to the Tips!

6. Forget about everything else other than working hard for this select period of time. Get a stopwatch or an accountability person if it will help.

“I don’t wait for moods. You accomplish nothing if you do that. Your mind must know it has got to get down to work.” - Pearl S. Buck

7. At the end of the time period, ask yourself the same question again and renew another time frame with yourself either at that moment or for a specific time later.

“We are given one life and the decision is ours whether to wait for circumstances to make up our mind, or whether to act, and in acting, to live.” – General Omar Bradley

8. Before you end, decide the exact task you will work on first in the next time period instead of ‘waiting for the feeling to emerge’ to start working again.

“The stress people feel doesn’t come from having too much to do. It comes from not finishing what they started.” - David Allen

9. Once you agree with yourself, tell an accountability (and encouragement) partner. Try writing them a cheque and if you do your task, you get your cheque back!

“When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that in itself is a choice.” – William James

10. Delay is the deadliest form of denial. What one thing could you do in the next hour to move you in the right direction?

“Waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait – The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don’t count.” – Robert Anthony

Next week be sure to read: 10 One-Liners You Can Say To Gain Back Control From the Bully!

Valerie Cade, CSP is a Workplace Bullying Expert, Speaker and Author of “Bully Free at Work: What You Can Do To Stop Workplace Bullying Now”! which has been distributed in over 100 countries worldwide. Contact Valerie to speak for your organization to inspire and create a respectful workplace, to educate your people about workplace bullying and to implement proven workplace bullying strategies that work.

You have permission to use the above article in your newsletter, publication or email system. We ask you not to edit the content and that you leave the links and resource box intact. © Bully Free at Work. All rights reserved.

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10 Tips To Create Confidence While Dealing with Workplace Bullying

May 19, 2010 | Click Here to View 2 Comments or Post Your Own »

1. The concept of self-confidence is acceptance of the many consequences of a situation; good or bad.

Question: Are you believing “If I just do this, the bully will be nicer”? It won’t happen.
Question: What do you need to do to fully accept (not condone) the bully? They are the way they are.

2. Worrying less about the disapproval of others allows one to be ‘present’ and focused on moving forward. When one does not dwell on negative consequences one can be more ’self-confident’.

Question: Could you catch yourself when you are worrying and just stop? Being aware and being able to stop is power.
The bully has targeted you because of their lack of confidence. The bully’s opinion of you is not who you are.

3. In addition, belief in one’s abilities to perform an activity comes through successful experience and may add to, or consolidate, a general sense of self-confidence.

What coping tips could you try with regard to the bully? Walk away first? See all of Chapter 9 (pg 181) in Bully Free at Work for the Top 21 Tips!

4. Know that, arrogance is having unmerited confidence – believing someone is capable or correct when they are not. When the bully has a nonchalant attitude, they appear self-confident when this is not the case. Instead the bully has a poor coping style and does not realistically evaluate situational consequences and the feelings of others. For this reason the bully appears arrogant. They demonstrate an air of superiority and a lack of concern towards the welfare of others and they observe the feelings of others to be insignificant. The more marked this attitude, the greater the likelihood of psychopathology and bullying.

5. Confidence and arrogance are two different things!

Question: Can you make the distinction: The bully has arrogant roots in poor soil. You can now create confident roots: make sure you have good soil.

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Did You know?

That 67% of people being bullied have the intention of leaving their job?
And, 1 out of 6 people have reported being bullied at work?
That means 67/600 people are planning to leave. What does this do for productivity, morale, safety?
Many of you have asked for me to come to your organizations to conduct a workplace bullying session, click here for more info.
Many of you with smaller budgets have raved about our Bully Free at Work introductory DVD (49 minutes) and we just wanted you to know, based on the feedback so far, this has proven to be a very easy way to train a small group of people! Why not order the book to accompany your DVD and create a lunch and learn session?

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And Now Back to the Tips!

6. To be happy, we must consider ourselves worthy of happiness.

Soil: Where are you spending your ‘mental time’? Good soil or bad? You get to choose. Choose one activity each day that you can ‘in-joy’. This is honoring yourself. Start with baby steps. For me it was a 5 minute walk in the snow (ok, I like snow), for you it can be anything…but know your deciding is moving you forward. Do it again the next day…

7. We either achieve or over-come. Both add to creating our self-confidence.

Question: Can you start one small project and take small steps toward the end? “Knowing we have what it takes” is key for everyone’s self-esteem. Give yourself a chance to practice achieving something, not just observing or ‘over-thinking’ about life.
Question: If you feel you have ‘climbed a mountain’ lately, honor this by writing out and listing all you’ve overcome. Look it over and then pat yourself on the back!
PS: While you are at it, a list of the top 5 achievements in your life can remind you quickly what you have accomplished.

8. Handling guilt: Have you ever heard of completing a Moral Inventory? If you do not feel like you can create an environment where you feel free to ‘in-joy’ yourself, perhaps you are overshadowed by guilty feelings for some reason. Writing a list of all the behaviors ‘you feel guilty about and have performed toward others’ can help you to identify what’s holding you back and remove the ‘I’m not worthy’ feelings. Once you have your list completed, state your role (owning your behavior). Admit this to yourself. Try admitting (turning over) this to your higher power and ask for forgiveness. If this sounds familiar and you’d like to no longer have your emotions take control over your life, you might recognize this from ‘Emotions Anonymous”. www.emotionsanonymous.org

9. Write down the 5 values you want to live and read them every day. Then focus on living them. When I did this, I had something different to focus my energy upon. My 5 were and still are in no particular order: Encouragement, empathy, love, kindness and faith. If you are faced with a bullying situation, being mindful of living your way, your values is key as opposed to living in worry, shame, guilt, anxiety etc. Once again, you deciding is the first step.

10. Keep a gratitude journal. Studies have shown those who can still maintain a spirit of gratitude are still humble and they are less resentful even though they may be facing tougher times. In addition, those who maintained this perspective if even only for a few moments each day, slept better, moved along with their plans in confidence and…experienced hope!

Next week be sure to read: 10 Tips to Overcome Procrastination in Dealing With the Bully!

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10 Tips: What to Say to the Bully When…

May 13, 2010 | Click Here to View 1 Comment or Post Your Own »

1. When you want to get off the phone…
“Before I let you go, is there anything else?”

2. When your long-winded co-worker says “Have you got a minute?”…
“I’ve got about (2) minutes, is now good or is _________ a better time?”

3. When you’re talking to someone in the hall and they follow you to your desk…
Say “let me walk you to your desk”

4. When you might not have time to listen properly…
Say “Now’s not a good time for me, is ________ okay?”

5. When someone sends you an e-mail or voice mail that is not “comfy”…
See them face-to-face – best communication. To really address the issue, check out our Crucial Conversation Planner (pg 168) of Bully Free at Work.

Bully Free at Work News for You!

Bill 168 will come into effect in Ontario, Canada in June 2010. This is government legislation to protect workers against workplace violence and harassment. You can read more at http://www.ontla.on.ca/web/bills/bills_detail.do?locale=en&Intranet=&BillID=2181
Many of you have asked for coaching and professional counselling with regard to helping you to cope with workplace bullying. We are pleased to be able to offer this service to you from qualified workplace bullying experts. Let us know how we can help by contacting us at: info@BullyFreeAtWork.com.

Now back to the last 5 Tips!

6. When you want “shorter meetings”…
Ask everyone if they want “shorter meetings” and then suggest an hour glass be placed in the center of the table. If someone is off topic – they have the right to turn it over, leaving the speaker 30 seconds to wrap up. Will you offend? Remember, if the promise is clear the price is easy to pay! Agree up front and you’ll have a room full of people that were glad you did it!

7. Miscommunication with someone?
Discuss the “issue,” look to gain an agreement (pg. 170 in Bully Free at Work) and follow-up in writing stating: ”As a follow-up to our discussion…” This documentation becomes a third party reference and you’re not the bad guy, as you’ve both agreed! Too much writing for you? Ask the other party to write their understanding of your discussion by a certain agreed upon date and to give you a copy.

8. People “complaining” and you want them to stop…

Acknowledge their feelings so they feel understood: “That must have been difficult…”.
If it persists: Ask, “I’m curious, have you thought of what you might do?”

9. Someone is rude, unkind, etc.

Say to yourself, “Too bad they had to choose that behavior.” What need are they protecting?
Say to them: “Interesting… that sounds like a put down to me.”

10. Want people to return your correspondence?

Keep it short.
Give your name and phone number up front as well as reason for connecting.
Be “fun” yet professional; have an upbeat tone of voice.
State when you’re available to connect (times and dates).
Ask what they prefer for communications: e-mail, voice mail, in person or…
Look to cc a higher authority on your email in order to alert the bully that you are trying to connect.

Be sure to read next week’s Bully Free at Work message for our 10 Tips Series:
10 Tips To Create Confidence While Dealing with Workplace Bullying!

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