Welcome to Bully Free at Work: The BLOG
Dedicated to Stopping Workplace Bullying
Bullying in the Workplace occurs in every country in the world. For targets who experience Bullying at Work - my desire is to give you the very best tools and strategies to regain the confidence and respect that you deserve. And for managers and supervisors, it is my aspiration to give you the finest leadership support to create a healthy respectful workplace.
Stopping Workplace Bullying is everyone's responsibility - consider Bully Free at Work your go-to resource that will inspire, inform and allow you to implement well researched solutions that you can count on. Period.
We're in your corner,
Valerie Cade, Founder
Bully Free at Work
Curbing Workplace Bullying When You’re Newly Promoted and In Charge of Your Workplace Pals
November 19, 2008 | Click Here to Post a Comment »
A promotion to management typically means more responsibility, more respect, and more money. But a promotion can also come with a price tag. If the people you are now supervising were previously your peers, then the unexpected cost can be friendships. The power shift that occurs with a promotion can cause workplace friendships to falter and employee performance to deteriorate as former peers adjust to the new hierarchy. How can you handle the supervision of friends while maintaining peak performance? Consider these three must-dos.
Communicate Early and Often
Early in your new role as supervisor, sit down with your new reports and:
- Acknowledge the discomfort. Say something like: “I realize that ever since I’ve become the supervisor, things aren’t as comfortable between us as they used to be.” Or: “It’s different between us since I’ve become supervisor, isn’t it?”
- Admit the uncertainty. Follow it up with: “I don’t know what that means in terms of our friendship.” Or: “I’m uncertain as to where that leaves you and I.”
- Clarify the difference between obligations and feelings. For example: “I now have work obligations that don’t always tie in with the way I feel personally.”
- Ask for the employee’s support. “I’d like your commitment to keeping our work responsibilities separate from our personal relationship.” Remember: Your have the position power and therefore the right to say this.
Your actual words may be different, but the main objective in covering these four points is to engage in a dialogue. True, there is no way you can predict how the conversation will go, but you must discuss the new business relationship. Don’t assume the situation will resolve itself or optimistically hope it will not be an issue. Even if the person you are dealing with is the most reasonable individual you know, emotions come into play when a peer becomes a supervisor, and the outcome of this conversation will be more positive than no conversation at all.
Be Mindful of Perceived Favoritism
Because of your past relationships with specific employees, others in your department will always view your interactions through a filter of favouritism: “oh, s/he’s just the boss’s pet.” If you are not alert to this reality, then your positive actions and intentions can be ambushed.
There are two approaches you can take in dealing with this scenario.
- First, involve the employee/friend in coming up with a strategy. Say: “Despite the fact that you and I have agreed to keep our work responsibilities separate from our personal relationship, there will always be others in the department who will view you as the boss’s favorite. How do you think we should deal with it?”
- Second, discuss it individually with the people who feel you are showing favoritism. While this discussion will not be easy, remember that you need to have it; hoping the problem will just go away will only lead to failure.
Find a New Sounding Board
In your pre-supervisory life, when you needed to discuss an issue, bounce some ideas around, or just vent your frustration, you probably went to your friends at the office. Unfortunately, once you become their supervisor, this is the single most important aspect of your relationship that must change. You can no longer use your employees as a sounding board – even if they’re your friends. Discussing any issues such as workplace bullying, brainstorming alternatives to deal with a crisis, or even worse, venting about your problems can only backfire. Not only will you negatively affect the perceptions and lower the morale of your staff, you will put your office friends in a very uncomfortable position. Hold yourself back and find someone else to go to for moral support. Look to another supervisor in your organization who faces similar challenges. Or, if necessary, try to find a mentor outside your organization.
If you keep these three must-do points in mind, it is possible to supervise friends and maintain peak performance, and most importantly, curb potential workplace bullying situations, by effectively leading in your new role.
Merge Gupta-Sunderji turns managers into leaders by giving people specific and practical tools to achieve leadership and communication success. www.mergespeaks.com
Part III: How to Encourage Your Boss to Follow Through on Your Request in Dealing With The Bully on Your Behalf
November 12, 2008 | Click Here to Post a Comment »
You know you’re right. This is a case of Bullying Behavior. Be aware that the boss you go to for intervention may not have the same needs as you.
- The boss might be just as happy if he/she did not have to deal with this situation, and you could just “shoulder” the situation. Don’t fall for this; you know this is not best.
- The boss might encourage you to “buy more coffee, reach out”. This is where you enlighten your boss with your detailed notes, showing that influence will not and has not worked.
- Ask directly for the boss’ authoritative power and explain that this intervention/authority is the only approach that will work with someone who is not seeking a mutual win-win.
- Be clear on what you want, so the boss has clarity in order to support you specifically. Don’t leave it for the boss to try and figure this out – detail and help as much as you can.
- Ask the boss to do this by a certain date. Why wait? Yet the boss may put it off. Agree on when the boss will make the approach to the bully.
- After the boss approaches the bully, monitor the bully’s behavior and let the boss know the update.
- If the behavior has gotten better – thank the boss! Bring them a coffee!
- If the behavior has not changed – share this with the boss, and suggest the boss approach the bully again, making it clear what was expected.
- You can offer to have a 3-way conversation where the boss brings the two of you together and fosters agreement through the boss’ authority. Warn the boss that bullies may tend to make excuses, deny behavior, etc. – just be clear on outcomes.
- Lastly, know that using this boss to help you is your right. Do not feel guilty; instead, encourage and support this boss to do what is right.
Question: Share your experience – what’s happened to you in similar situations?
Part II: How to Tell If It’s Workplace Bullying Behavior: How to Protect Yourself and Move Forward
November 5, 2008 | Click Here to Post a Comment »
Here’s a scenario:
Judy works for a company where Michelle is the receptionist. Michelle does not directly report to Judy, but Judy does have a higher position in the company. Michelle ignores Judy when Judy says hello when she comes to work. Michelle “forgets” to handle tasks Judy has asked her to do, and does not include Judy in important emails, thereby holding information back from Judy that she needs in order to get her job done effectively.
What happened:
Judy went to her boss first and her boss’s advice was to be “nice” to Michelle and buy her coffee in the mornings – to reach out. Judy did this, and nothing changed. In fact, Michelle said she didn’t even like that brand of coffee.
Then:
Judy attempted to try and influence Michelle by talking directly with her in order to hopefully come to an agreement. Judy said:
“When you ignore more when I come into work…
“I feel hurt and left out…
“What I’d like is for you to acknowledge me with a hello when I come into work.”
The key: “Can you do this – Yes or No?”
Michelle replied with, “Well, if I wasn’t so overloaded…” (excuse: not wanting to hear Judy). Judy persisted, and said “I can see you’re busy, but is that a Yes or a No?”. Michelle said “I don’t know what you’re talking about – you’re so sensitive” (deflection).
Michelle’s responses are discounting and minimize Judy’s feelings. These are classic techniques bullies use to avoid a healthy dialogue for win-win resolution. Bullies don’t want resolution; they want control over you.
This is when Judy knew for sure that Michelle’s behavior was bullying behavior:
- It was deliberate – no one else was treated this way;
- It was repeated;
- It was disrespectful and harmed Judy – holding her back from a healthy synergistic relationship that co-workers should have with each another.
Michelle denied the olive branch and failed the test – she chose ‘power over’ by trying to discount and minimize Judy’s requests for a win-win conversation.
Now What Should Judy Do?
- Stop buying coffee and stop trying to rationalize with Michelle – no more fantasizing “Maybe if I bought Michelle another kind of coffee, or brought in homemade cookies…”. Stop. This is how Judy can bullyproof herself.
- Document exactly what happened in detail, and ask for a quiet meeting with her direct boss (who has authority).
- If Judy’s boss does not acknowledge the Crucial Conversation request, Judy should have a Crucial Conversation with Michelle’s boss, who has authoritative power over Michelle. Judy should ask specifically for what she wants, using the Crucial Conversation planner, and not let the boss brush her off. She could bring the boss a coffee, if she wants!
Key: The authoritative power is part of your intervention tool kit. You need this help to deal with a manipulative, “out to get you” bully.
Next tip: Part III: How to Encourage Your Boss To Follow Through on Your Request to Deal with the Bully.
Workplace Bullies vs Difficult People: What is the Difference in How to Deal With Them?
October 31, 2008 | Click Here to View 1 Comment or Post Your Own »
Two of the top questions I receive are:
- How do I know if this is a bully or a difficult person?
- How do I approach or confront a bully vs a difficult person?
Here’s the difference:
- Bullying is repeated, deliberate, disrespectful behavior toward another for the bully’s gratification.
- Workplace bullying is deliberate; not accidental. Difficult people may or may not be deliberate; they may be unaware.
- Bullies are out for self-gratification. Difficult people are not necessarily out to harm another; they are out to protect their own needs.
- You can possibly reason and negotiate with a difficult person. You cannot reason or negotiate with a workplace bully.
- Most people/targets want to hold on to the belief that people are basically good, and that they would therefore receive feedback well if approached. We somehow think “If I just say it this way” or if I bring them a coffee … then… they’ll come around.
- Most bosses, in their attempt to help an employee with a bullying situation or difficult person situation, often offer this advice: “Treat them the way you want to be treated”; extend the olive branch and they’ll somehow come around.
- This influencing strategy can work – but only with minor difficult situations where the difficult person has a healthy enough self image to be able to receive kindness in order to come around. Let me be clear – influencing works with the good natured but over-worked and perhaps situationally stressed individual whose heart is seeking a win-win.
- Now that you know this, you can try this influencing strategy of extending the Olive Branch, but do not expect results when dealing with bullying behavior.
- If you face moderate difficult behavior, and in some very rare cases of minor bullying, you can approach the person with a Crucial Conversation http://www.bullyfreeatwork.com/blog/wp-admin/post.php?action=edit&post=62. The Crucial Conversation is an attempt to reach out and share what you need/want, with the hope of receiving agreement back.
- Note: Many people get confused here. If you are certain you are facing a bully, this influencing strategy will not work – you cannot rationalize with a bully, and attempting to open up a dialogue will only expose you.
- Also, note that workplace bullying requires an intervention where you are clear; you state what you want as opposed to asking and trying to come to a win-win resolution. However, if you are not certain you are in a bullying situation and you are hesitant as to your approach to influence or use an intervention, you could:
- Try the Crucial Conversation Influencing Strategy – if it works, you have a difficult person situation. If it doesn’t work, you may have a bullying situation, where they are only interested in retaliating and aiming to control you once you are exposed. At least you will know.
- If you know this is Bullying Behavior (bullying behavior is deliberate, not accidental, disrespectful, repeated behavior towards an individual that the bully derives pleasure from hurting), then proceed to intervention – Do not pass Go, do not collect $200…
- Lastly, remember, once you identify the bullying behavior, fully internalize that you cannot reach out and rationalize with a bully. Period.
Next tip: If it’s Workplace Bullying Behavior, How Can I Protect Myself and Move Forward?
Workplace Bullying: Surprising Facts You Need To Know
September 26, 2008 | Click Here to View 1 Comment or Post Your Own »
Many people ask “How is workplace bullying different from working with difficult people, and what exactly is workplace bullying anyway?”
Workplace bullying is repeated, deliberate, disrespectful behavior by one or more people toward another for their own gratification, which in turn harms the target.
Bullying is deliberate, not accidental.
Bullying is always disrespectful with intent.
Bullying results in gratification for the bully, where the target feels severely disrespected.
Difficult people are not necessarily out to harm another; they are out to protect their own needs. Therefore, if you can reason with a difficult person in order to show good will for their needs, they may change. A bully will not change; they are out to destroy your needs.
Workplace bullying occurs in every country of the world, and 1 out of 6 people will report having being bullied in their lifetime. Statistics would be even higher if employees were more aware of what workplace bullying actually is.
Stress is the result of unmanaged exposure to workplace bullying. The fear, uncertainty, doubt and emotional devastation that result from being bullied plays out frequently in a target’s emotional, mental and physical abilities.
According to the Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute, the top health consequences are:
- Severe anxiety (94%)
- Sleep disruption (84%)
- Loss of concentration ((82%)
As a result, the top consequences for an organization are:
- Good morale (a positive culture) is traded for a fearful culture where people become hesitant, less free and less open.
- Teamwork will deteriorate into group-work or individual efforts.
- The agreeable, cooperative and supportive environment becomes hostile, secretive and dead.
So, how can workplace bullying be stopped and prevented?
- The first step is an educated workforce. What workplace bullying is, how it occurs, who are likely to be targets and bullies. In addition, systems and accountabilities need to be put in place to protect and create the kind of workplace culture that is respectful.
- The second step is to empower employees to create and enforce workplace-bullying policies that protect a respectful workplace, and hold a bullying culture accountable to becoming a respectful culture.
We know that people want to be treated with respect. Workplace bullying demeans the individual and destroys the trust needed to do high quality work.
Workplace bullying can be stopped, but it must not rest only on the target’s shoulders to stop this behavior. Stopping workplace bullying is everyone’s responsibility. Upper management must use their authority to ensure that a respectful workplace exists.
We want to help you eliminate bullying from your workplace.
Together we can make the workplace a welcoming environment for you and your co-workers alike.
The Five Choices for Handling Workplace Bullying
August 14, 2008 | Click Here to Post a Comment »
Not all conflicts can be resolved. However, would you like to know some tips to help resolve more conflicts involving bullying in the workplace?
1. Avoidance
a) A refusal to engage
b) Most prevalent
Example:
A very obvious verbal attack occurs, and the target, due to fear, simply walks away.
While this obviously is not a good way of dealing with bullying in the workplace the majority of the time as it tends not to help, it is worth being considered as a strategy for when the conflict is just not worth the effort of being addressed.
2. Accommodation
Taking the conflict and submitting.
Example:
Listening to unhelpful criticism and believing it.
Very frequently used especially where there is low confidence and self-esteem. This is another not very successful method of dealing with bullying at work, but it will do if you know that there is a solution coming soon.
3. Compete
You push hard to get your own way in the conflict, without regard for the other’s needs.
Example:
You are very upset with someone, and when they try to explain their situation, you cut them off and over-explain your point in order to gain control.
This can be very useful when the conflict is mild and you are passionate about your stance, but can lead to a vicious circle as the conflict escalates.
4. Compromise
This is more win-win, and requires the goodwill of both parties. You don’t give in to the conflict, but rather work out a solution somewhere between the two sides.
Example:
One person wants to order a type of food and the other person wants another. Both compromise and order something totally different.
This can lead to the downfall of the actual solution leaving none of the sides happy. Sometimes no one wins.
5. Collaborate
The most useful tactic, particularly with extreme conflict and workplace bullying. The aim here is to focus on working together to arrive at a solution, where both sides have ownership of and commitment to the solution.
Example 1:
You and someone else are at completely opposed viewpoints over a project. You sit down and work out why they believe in their point of view, and explain your own. Clever and lateral thinking can provide a solution, which answers both sides, but is not a compromise.
Example 2:
Someone is bullying you at work. You talk to this person using the strategies below and collaborate on modifying their behavior.
Use this strategy when the goal is to meet as many of the current needs as is possible. This can be the most difficult strategy if confidence is low, as it involves actually naming the issue to the conflict-creator, which can cause huge anxiety and fear.
To collaborate successfully on an issue such as bullying or continuing conflict you need to follow a few basic guidelines.
- You must recognize that (maybe) part of the problem is your own fault: you allowed it to happen and did not try to address it to begin with. You can state this aloud and actively take part of the responsibility, as this will put the onus onto the other person to take the other part of the responsibility.
- Remember that we frequently don’t like in others what we don’t want to see in ourselves, but find occasionally anyway. Be very sure that you have not committed the same conflict/offence.
- Manage yourself during the resolution attempt - learn calming strategies if you are hot-tempered, or confidence boosters if you are shy. Try not to be emotional, as emotion will only make things escalate, and put a further wedge between parties. It is your responsibility to manage yourself; anything less, we are putting our unnecessary ‘stuff’ on the other.
- Maintain eye contact and use your body language to convey your belief in what you are saying. Don’t fiddle with something nervously, don’t cross your arms protectively, and don’t put yourself on a lower level than the other person (such as sitting on a lower chair). Our body language shows our heart. Is your heart showing the desire to collaborate?
- Don’t believe that the best defense is a good offence - that is part of the Competing strategy. Come backs and not acknowledging another’s point of view are also part of competing: listen to the other side as they have just as much of a right to share as you do. Seek first to understand.
- Work the issue, not the person: this means addressing the behavior rather than the entire existence of that person. There is a different level of ownership for behaviors, and people will take less offence if you address their behavior than if you criticize them personally. Never lay blame, as this will only fan the fires. Check your heart: can you separate the person from the performance?
- If you are not getting anywhere, ask for further information from the other person about the reasons for their behavior, but don’t ask the questions with ‘why’ at the beginning - if you do, this will actively put the other person under the spotlight and they will get defensive.
PS: If you sincerely feel you cannot resolve a conflict due to being very emotionally upset, then own this fact and ask for forgiveness of not being able to resolve the conflict at the moment. These are your emotions and they must be owned by you. Again, separate the person from the situation. This allows us to have hope in moving through the most difficult workplace bullying situations.
Above all, remember that people who enjoy creating conflict are ultimately power-seekers who enjoy controlling others. Frequently this is because either they have suffered in a similar way before or feel that they have very little control over their own lives and they do anything they can to feel in control. A little compassion will take you a long way both in resolving the situation and in putting it behind you when it is resolved. After all, what is the alternative? It’s time for extending the olive branch…
Resistance: What’s Holding Me Back From Having Something Better than Workplace Bullying? (Part 2)
August 6, 2008 | Click Here to Post a Comment »
Are you ready to let go? Another question: Are you ready to move onto something better with regard to dealing with your workplace bullying? In my book Bully Free At Work , I highlight a step-by-step plan on ‘moving through’ in Chapter 8: Read the rest of this entry »
Resistance: What is Holding Me Back From Having Something Better than Workplace Bullying? (Part 1)
July 31, 2008 | Click Here to View 4 Comments or Post Your Own »
You want to have a different work experience - one that is bully-free - yet you might be feeling either you do not know what to do (then education and awareness is key), or you actually do know what you might or could do but you haven’t yet gotten the clarity and focus (I call this conviction and confidence) to change.
You want to the situation to change, but… Read the rest of this entry »
How to Change Workplace Bullying: You Really Can Have Something Better!
July 23, 2008 | Click Here to View 1 Comment or Post Your Own »
People usually know what they don’t want – we hear it in coffee shops, phone calls, at the water cooler, etc. Have you ever considered that too much time spent on what you don’t want, with very little time actively spent on what we do want, might just create more of the same? Read the rest of this entry »
Workplace Bullying: “Just Leave” - Easier Said Than Done
July 9, 2008 | Click Here to View 11 Comments or Post Your Own »
Recently, there was a post on a site stating that workplace bullying isn’t “really” an issue, and that targets “should just leave”. I made the following response to the post. Read the rest of this entry »